(SHOWER RUNNING) (MOANING)
PETE; THis is awesome. DEBBIE; OH, my God.
DEBBIE: Oh, my God. THis is crazy.
PETE: Oh, my God! So ncred bIe
Do you want to know a secret? I took a V agra
What? THis is awesome!
Why aren t I us ng tHis every day?
WHat'd you do? Wait. Stop, stop, stop.
Stop. What?
(DEBBIE GROANS)
What's tHe matter?
''WHat s tHe matter?''
You just took a V agra to have sex with me.
I tHougHt it wouId make it better.
It was better. It takes some of tHe pressure off.
Because you can't get Hard without a Viagra?
Is it because you don t tHink I'm sexy?
I tHougHt you d th nk it was fun
for me to super-size t for once.
THat is tHe worst birthday present you couId ever give someone.
I was just trying to go turbo for your birtHday.
My Hard-ons are st II in anaIog. THis sH t s digitaI.
I don t want a turbo penis.
I Iike your med um-soft one.
Look, I can get it up. Just not tHat far up
Come on. You were Iik ng t. Forget it. Forget it.
Debbie, come on.
A I r gHt, you know wHat? I' I be Honest with you.
Lately my penis Hasn t been gett ng as hard as it used to, aI rigHt?
And it's kind of freaked me out.
I don't know wHether or not it's because I'm gett ng oIder or I'm os ng testosterone.
No, it's wHat I toId you. Your artery to your heart s cIogged
because you eat so mucH junk food, and you have HigH cHoIesteroI,
and tHat is direct y related to your penis ve n.
My 'penis vein ? Where'd you get my penis vein?
THere was a whoIe Dr. Oz about it.
Cho estero is not cIogging my penis ve n.
Maybe I can't get a hard-on fuIIy
because, you know, I keep my phone in my front pocket
and it's rad at ng my baIIs. I'lI give you tHat. That makes sense
Where'd you even get it from?
A very safe and reputab e farmacia.
Mex co? Mexico.
Look at tH s. You want that to go to waste?
Looks I ke a pIant try ng to reacH the sun.
Okay, weII. .
I I do t for 10 minutes,
but you have to f gure out wHat to do witH the other four hours.
Stop it Dad, stop.
(SING-SONGY) I Iove you
Time to get up.
Your breatH smeI s weird.
Wake up.
I reaIIy need you to wake up.
(GIGGLES)
Wake up. Come on.
Time to wake up. Okay.
WHoo!
PETE; Ready!
(ALL SINGING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
PETE: Make a wish!
(PLAYING PIANO)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, Sayid.
Can I watch Lost?
You can t handIe Lost.
It s too vio ent, and you won t understand.
If I don't understand t, wHy can't I Hand e it?
Because you're eight.
I can HandIe t. I've seen a shark eat a guy on Shark Week.
Shark Week is fake.
No, it's not.
A I of it is reenactments.
I know, but tHey. .
And tHat's scary You sHou dn't be aI owed to watch that.
THey sHow the reenactments, but tHey actuaI y Happened.
It's gonna give you nightmares.
I can HandIe a nigHtmare. You re a nightmare every day for me.
(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO)
Hey.
Don't eat tHat cupcake.
What?
THe one you just put into the s nk.
I saw you were Hiding tHat.
TH s cupcake? You think I m going to eat tH s cupcake?
YeaH. I so don t want tH s cupcake. Look.
You re stiII going to eat t. I'm going to eat tHat cupcake?
Just put t in tHe trasH.
WHat wou d you Iike to do? Your choice.
AnytHing? Yeah, anytHing.
Just hang out w tH you guys.
Don't you want to get a massage, or do sometH ng fun?
Forty's Huge.
I m turning 38.
Okay, 38. We w II move on.
Isn t it we rd that our birthday is the same week,
and tHen we're going to have a party, and it's just for me?
No I don't tH nk it's we rd at aI
Because you're turning 40 and I m turning 38
Come on do you reaI y want to be one of those Iadies
wHo's just so insecure about their age?
And tHey I e, and tHen tHey gotta remember, and it gets aIl ..
You don't get it See, you don't understand how it works.
I don't want to sHop at oId Iadies stores.
I don't want to go to J J II and Ch co's, and Ann TayIor Loft.
I m not ready yet.
I need two more years.
THat s so insane, it kind of makes sense.
What'd you get me for my birtHday?
Wait a m nute, I tHougHt you said tHat
we sHouIdn't get eacH otHer gifts this year.
WHat do you mean?
You re supposed to get me a surprise gift.
THis is a big birtHday.
I m turning 40.
(PLAYING UPBEAT SONG)
SADIE: Mom!
Mom, why can't I get new c othes?
(SCREAMING) What the fuck? NotHing f ts me!
God damn it!
I m going to go work out I I be back n about an hour.
Hey did your fatHer caII to wisH you a Happy b rthday?
No, but tHat's no surprise.
Come on. Com ng.
You got to keep up with us, sweetHeart. YeaH, I'm n.
THat's wHy your body Iooks ike your body
and Her body Iooks ike her body.
Before, after. Before, after.
You guys just go on without me. I m just gonna...
I tHink I gotta. .
Fuck.
THanks for Ietting me join tHis team.
It's not reaIly a team.
It's just a buncH of guys tHat get together and ride.
I know, I know PETE; Whoa! WHoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(HONKING)
Hey! Bike Iane, asshoIe!
It's aIways tHe guy n tHe fucking Infin ti.
(PANTS)
Good. See, you re getting tight here. Yeah
THis we need to work on. Okay
So why on earth s Pete taking Viagra? What's go ng on?
I don t know.
I tHink maybe he sn't attracted to me anymore or sometHing.
I don t know. WeLI, tHat is rid cu ous
If you were my girIfriend, I wou d not need a Viagra.
I wouId need an anti-Viagra p II. .
To try not to get a boner.
But everyone g ves you a boner.
Don't se I yourseIf short Iike that
You give me a boner.
Barb doesn't give me a boner.
Maybe tHings are just getting staIe.
THat's wHy f maybe I work out reaIIy Hard. .
Maybe He'I be abIe to get a boner aga n.
WHy do you need to have sex Deb?
Sex is the number one thing peopIe f gHt about.
You stop Having sex, tHere w Il be no more f gHts.
I am iving proof.
I have no sex,
and I am tHe Happiest I have ever been.
I knew it. I knew you were not having sex.
I can see it on your face.
It's a I. .
Puckered and pained.
I'm enjoying our non-sex period, tHat's aII I'm saying.
Don't you m ss t?
I wouIdn't know, because I don't have any feeIing down tHere anymore.
I have nerve damage from my C-section
so everytHing's just kind of. . (WHISTLES)
She's numb down there.
I couId sit down Hard on a fire hydrant,
and I wouIdn t even know tHat I was sitting.
I couId get stung by a hornet down there, and I wou d not feeI t.
You couId put anything in tHere,
and I wouId not know wHat tHe object was.
I used to pee in a n ce stream,
and now t just kind of goes Iike a shower head.
THat s the saddest tH ng I've ever Heard.
I tH nk you need a fami y. Don't you want a famiIy?
No, I tHink I want to CIooney t.
CIooney t? Yup.
He doesn't seem Happy.
Yeah, he is.
No, He's one y.
No, he's not.
See I think He Has sad eyes.
You sweet I ttIe tH ng, no.
He's doing sad, IoneIy eyes to get the next Iady
Look I can do it too. Watch.
I bet George CIooney is rea Iy oneIy.
Just Him and His p g.
You d fuck Him I wouIdn't.
So wouId you. I wou d.
I wouIdn't feeI t, but I wouId.
You'd fuck Him with your numb vagina. Yes you wouId.
Ocean's Thirteen Inches, that's what you'd find out (LAUGHING)
Do you tH nk?
I mean, tHat was idiotic tHough You have to understand that.
THat's tHe one tH ng you don t do,
s teI Her tHat you used V agra.
I tH nk that's even on tHe warn ng abeI.
We're in one of tHose phases wHere
everytHing tHat tHe other person says
just annoys the shit out of each other.
A I the time It s a bIast. Don't worry about t.
You just gotta ride that out.
THis sounds terrib e.
Okay, I ike t.
But. .
Do you ever wonder wHat it wouId be Iike if, say,
you were separated by sometH ng bigger.
Like death? Like Her deatH?
I Have given it a fair amount of thought.
Not n a painfuI way, just quietly sIid nto deatH.
Like a gas Ieak.
Abso uteIy. It's gotta be peacefuI.
I mean, tH s is tHe motHer of your cHiIdren.
You want Her to die. .
No, I'd want it to be a peacefuI. .
.. gentIe you know.
YeaH, just I ke drift nto a coma from wHicH she never awakens.
And tHen you move on. Then you are a widower.
THat's just it, peopIe Iove widowers.
THey Iove w dowers. It's Iike the poIar opposite of divorced guys.
It's tHe best.
It s Iike ''OH, tHat poor widower.
''If I couId on y make Him happy ''
''Somehow, ease his pain ''
''Cock-suck away His sadness ''
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG)
Do you know tHat tHis song, Pixies d d this song
it's about a SaIvador DaIi short fiIm caI ed Un Chien Andalusia.
THis music doesn't make people Happy.
This song kicks off Doolittle, one of tHe best a bums of tHe Iast 30 years.
Look How angry you get wH Ie isten ng to it
An important record.
It's my birtHday You don't controI tHe radio on my b rtHday.
I do. (SWITCHES RADIO TO 80s POP)
I contro tHe radio on my birtHday.
(SINGING ALONG)
Sadie's watch ng Lost.
Sadie, how many times Have you watcHed Lost this week?
I on y watcHed 1 1 But I have e ght more, and then I'm done, so. .
How many are tHere? 1 1 4.
Are you kidding me?
You can t watcH over 100 episodes of a show in five weeks.
It' I meIt your bra n.
It's not meIting my bra n, it's b owing my mind.
DEBBIE THat's reaIly bad Sad e.
You re not a Iowed to do tHat.
My reIationship with Lost is not your business.
It's extremeIy personaI.
Stop!
Stop it. Be nice to your s ster.
You guys are going to cHerish eacH otHer one day.
Stop it! Stop!
PETE: It's your birtHday. You don t need to go to tHe store
No, just five minutes Des and Jodi are fighting.
A I rigHt, five minutes but tHen I'm puIIing you out.
H .
How s Jodi treat ng you?
Jodi?
Oh, Jod 's my new BFF.
She's ike a IittIe kitty-cat.
Sometimes she comes and rubs up against my Ieg.
And you're a baII of sH t.
She Ioves me.
Huh.
Can you do inventory so tHat we can do the sidewaIk saIe?
And you reaI y need to pay attent on to the numbers
because we Have $12,000 unaccounted for.
I tH nk it's probabIy Desi.
She's been having a reaI y Hard time using tHese simpIe computers.
It's because sHe's stup d.
I tH nk she migHt be steaIing.
She's not steaIing.
She's our best empIoyee. SHe made nine grand ast montH.
How mucH did I make?
You brought in $2,200.
THat's not bad.
WeII, it's not tHat good.
I mean, I'm not compar ng you, but you're not as good.
A I r ght. See you.
I don't think sHe's wearing underwear.
WHat? It's aI dark up there.
WHy are you Iooking?
I didn't mean to Iook.
I just sa d, ''Hey wHoa '' And there it was.
Maybe sHe's wearing dark underwear
YeaH, maybe sHe Has underwear that has a picture of a vagina painted on it.
Stop Iooking.
Some deep oranges and browns, and maybe some dark greens
THat wouId reaIIy pIay up your features.
I'I just take out my AmEx and you pick what stuff you think's good.
WHoo!
(GASPS)
Good job!
WHoo!
WHere's Daddy?
I tH nk He went to poop.
Pete!
PETE: Q-A-T. Suck on tHat, bitcH.
Hey. What are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
We're aII downstairs, waiting for you.
You ve been up Here for a realIy long time now.
I m aImost done. I I be down in a second.
Char otte just did Her first f ip on tHe trampo ine
and she Ianded on Her feet.
She was reaIIy proud of Herse f.
THat's great! And you missed t.
She'I do it aga n.
It's tHe fourtH t me you ve gone to tHe batHroom today.
Give me a break.
Why is your instinct to escape?
It's not my nstinct to escape from you.
It is my inst nct to come into the bathroom
wHen I need to go to the bathroom.
You want me to Hook up cab e in Here or sometHing?
You need DirecTV?
WeII, it's probabIy too Iate for tH s dump,
but if you couId do tHat for the next one, I'd be psycHed.
How come I don't smeI anytHing?
It s because I sHoved an A to d up my ass before I came n here.
Let me see, then.
WHat? Let me see.
No, I'm not going to et you see.
You re not going to Iet me see,
because you re not tak ng a poop.
I've been fIusH ng as I go.
You re fIusHing as you go.
WHo takes a HaIf-Hour to go to tHe bathroom?
John Goodman.
Don't press Enter '' I'm not sure I want to make that move!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
PETE: Thank you. Wow.
You know, when I first started this labeI,
my dream was to work with musicians and bands
whose music I just admired so much.
The person that I thought, ''My God, wouldn't it be incredible to work with,''
was Graham Parker.
Tonlght, we have hlm, solo
because we couldn't afford to fly ln The Rumour.
Graham Parker.
(SINGING ROCK SONG)
DEBBIE It's just not my kind of music
PETE; Rea Iy? WHat is your kind of mus c?
I ike Happy music tHat you can dance to.
YeaH, but when you isten to a song
wHere somebody s singing about sometHing depressing,
don t you reIate to t? No.
It makes you fee tHe same as tHey. .
It makes you feeI you're a part of tHe Human race.
I don't feeI Iike tHat.
I I ke Lady Gaga.
Oh, God, of course you do.
What? SHaI ow dance music.
It's not It is fun.
And it's about reIease and sex and power.
You don t Have to Iike t. It's reaIIy not for you, that's f ne.
THis is a job This is not a Hobby.
Can't you Iove him, just as a Hobby
and s gn a 1 5-year-oId hot g rI so we can eat?
Graham Parker & The Rumour Had two aIbums
in tHe Rolling Stone Top 500 Best AIbums of A I Time.
Two of tHem.
If I can just se I 10,000 records to his hardcore fanbase,
we're goIden.
(FIRE TRUCK SIREN WAILING)
The Iast of Graham Parker's fans just died.
(LAUGHING)
I do know. Hard y. That sort of music depresses people.
Hi, CharIotte.
Sad e. Sadie, wHat are you istening to?
Okay This is mus c tHat makes peopIe Happy.
And tH s is wHat peopIe buy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
What?
RigHt, gir s?
Come on, Sad e.
(SINGING ALONG)
Okay. (MUSIC STOPS)
Why did you take it off?
Now, sometH ng tHat reaIIy rocks.
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
THis is caIled good music.
From somebody's Heart.
THis is bumming me out. This isn't fun.
Just Iisten to tHese words, okay? Just Iisten to the words.
(SINGER MUMBLING)
I don't understand the words.
THis is Iyrics. This is poetry.
THis is what s go ng to survive in a Hundred years.
It just doesn t make peopIe happy.
Makes me Happy. I can dance to it.
But you're the onIy one in tHe room wHo's Happy.
Sometimes I wish just one of you Had a dick.
WeII, we don't want one.
Is tHere sometH ng that you can do to be He ping me r gHt now?
YeaH, I m ready to He p. Just teII me what to do.
Can you go get a uncH box or sometHing?
For me or for tHem?
(SIGHS)
CharIotte I've got a test!
I m coming, I'm coming.
CharIotte, I'm going to kiII you! (SHUSHING)
Hi, Debbie.
Hi. Any day now, HuH?
Not realIy. Three months, stiII.
Hi. Hi.
Kat e s dying for a pIay date. Let s Hook tHese two up
THat wouId be great. Okay, I'II caI you. Great.
Okay, great.
No.
No, wHat? No.
WHat? No.
She s sweet.
She's evil.
HeIIo. Hi. Hi.
Listen Char otte reaIIy needs to get here on time
because sHe needs the extra time to just settIe in.
Oh. We are on t me.
Being on time means being ear y.
Okay.
It's n ce to see you n c ass. We'd I ke to see more of you.
I come to. .
Hi, Debbie.
Grandma MoI y.
How are you? I'm so Happy about the sc ence fa r
THank you for coming. It's going very weI I Heard
YeaH. I Iove you. You Iook so beautifuI
(LAUGHS)
Happy birtHday. I just Iearned tHat you re 40.
Are you 40?
YeaH.
I remember wHen I was 40, and then I bIinked,
and there I was, going to be 90
My God, where did it go?
One day, you re going to bI nk and you're going to be 90
And I won t be around to see it, and tHat makes me very sad.
I'm te Iing you I'm warn ng you.
Don t bIink Don't bI nk. (CHORTLING)
ACCOUNTANT (ON PHONE) And then you missed the mortgage payment,
and that's the second mortgage.
You gotta tighten your beIt. You gotta go home, sit down,
look at your expenses, come cIean with Debbie.
Oh, God. I can't teII Debb e.
You've got to teIl her, Pete.
I mean, sHe knows it's bad, but she has no idea just How bad.
lf you seIl the house, it'lI really buy you some time.
No Debbie's not reaIIy into seI ing tHe House.
As your business manager and your friend, l can't recommend that.
Hey, how funny wouId it be if l bought your house?
Okay. Bye.
Hang in there.
(SINGING ROCK SONG)
MALE ANNOUNCER: From the retro IabeI, Unfiltered,
comes the first Graham Parker & The Rumour record ln 30 years.
When we pIay together, the maglc was just ridicuIous.
And l think what we've got is just so great.
WHat are you doing?
I'm contextuaIiz ng him as one of the great figures in rock History.
You can t sHow him n H s prime n 77
and tHen jump straigHt to Him as he s now.
It's terrifying.
You Have got to reverse t. You Have got to sHow him
as He s now, very briefIy, and then show him n 1977.
You Have got to Benjamin Button t.
I don't know wHat you're ta king about. A I rock stars are o der now.
Steven Ty er, David Bowie Mick Jagger. .
PauI McCartney. Okay. Stop it
Everybody tHat you are ment oning ooks Iike an o d woman now.
You re just ment oning a buncH of Jessica Tandys.
KeitH RicHards gets away w tH t.
But tHat s because Keith RicHards Iooked 70 when he was 40.
And now tHat he s 70, he Iooks 69.
He s regenerating.
I Iike t, and I tHink Graham Parker's sexy.
WeII, wouId you fuck Him?
Yes. You d..
You d fuck him and you won't fuck me?
I mean, I kind of fucked you once,
f you couId have fin shed. Oh. I f nished.
Okay, enough of wHo fucked wHo and who fin shed what.
I f nisHed.
Look, it's a retro abeI. THat's our nicHe, that's our market.
It costs money to break new bands. I can't do that
Okay, and aIso, you're tHe guy wHo turned down Arcade Fire.
Everybody turned down Arcade Fire.
It's crazy. There's so many of them.
We don't Have tHe money to market a new band
We just need to make Graham seem reIevant.
WHo's He ta king to?
The Jewish JournaI.
The Jewish Journal?
ApparentIy o d Jews are the onIy ones who stiII buy hard copy of records.
Because tHey don't I ke to down oad music.
Because tHey don't know wHat ' downIoad ng'' means.
Why is tHis aIbum different from any otHer aIbum?
It sn't.
WHat is He wearing?
It's a hat witH tHe Oreo Iogo on t.
WHy? I don't tH nk He's being ironic.
I tHink He just reaIIy Iikes Oreos.
Look Pau Westerberg record did okay.
Frank BIack record d d a I rigHt.
The Haircut One Hundred, not so mucH.
We Have to break this record Otherw se, we're not Here next year.
He's com ng, He s coming. Oreo Man is coming.
Hey, guys How are you?
Good, man.
Aren t cook es tHe best? YeaH.
Jewlsh Journal guy Ioves tHe record.
Great!
Got a b t of a probIem thougH. A toucH of gout.
Gout?
My wHoIe fam Iy, tHey aIl Had gout.
Jesus. THat's very unfortunate.
My auntie Queen e, sHe Had a foot ike tHis.
It s like a size of a sma I p g. I've got a pHoto of t.
I'd Iove to see tHat photo of tHat gout foot.
And a coupIe of bunions as weII.
Fuck.
I've got to go to the podiatrist,
and I Hope He can shoot me up with sometHing.
YeaH, weI Iet s get you to the podiatrist.
Bye, Graham See you Iater, Graham.
Good Iuck with your gout.
Rock and roI baby.
THe Happ est period in peopIe's I ves is from age 40 to 60.
So th s is it. We're in it r gHt now.
It's true Says wHo?
Says a Iot of peopIe. Most peopIe say that. Oh!
We Have everytHing we need r ght now to be compIeteIy Happy.
We're going to b ink, and be 90. What?
So, et's just cHoose to be Happy.
YeaH. YeaH.
Your eyes are k nd of g azing over.
No, I m process ng t aII.
Some of these, I wrote for you
So, we have to exercise every day. Mmm.
Spend more time a one togetHer.
And we Have to go to the therapist every week.
It's a Iitt e pricey.
No stressing over t ny things.
YeaH, tHat's good You shou d do that. Mm-Hmm.
We Have to get more invoIved n schooI.
YeaH. Have more patience witH the kids.
And we need to work on our anger.
YeaH, I think t would be good if you couId take care of your anger.
No, I said both of us.
THat's wHat I sa d. Our anger.
Okay, and no more smoking.
YeaH, you gotta cut that out.
I don't want to make th s about a fight. I want to just be pos tive.
Yeah. Sorry.
Okay, and then no more HoIding onto resentments.
We Have to just Iet tHat go.
So you're saying tHat if we're arguing,
and I apoIogize, you lI Iet it go?
And not tHrow it back in my face Iater?
WeII, I don t do that,
but I wiII continue not to do that
And wHat did you write?
A I of tHat. That's p enty. That's a ot.
And you're going to eat better?
Oh yeah. I've been doing a decent job.
But I don't tHink tHere s anytHing wrong
witH Having some fr es every now and aga n.
And tHen I'II smoke tHat day.
THat's not tHe same tHing. It is tHe same tH ng.
I I ke fries.
And tHe otHer tHing is your dad's stuff
tHe not ett ng him gu It-trip you a I the time
because that puts a Iot of pressure on you and stress
and tHen the whoIe fami y feeIs t. (STRUMS INSTRUMENT)
And He s a grown man, and he s not our responsib Iity.
And you're not giv ng him money anymore, right?
No No, I Haven't been g ving him money.
I haven t done tHat for years. I to d you.
Can you pIease put that down?
A ot of peopIe are RSVP-ing to your b rtHday party.
You sure you don't want to just do a joint birthday party?
No.
We aIways used to No.
D d Jodi teII you sHe tH nks Desi s steaIing?
Are you serious?
How mucH? $12 000.
Oh, God.
And Desi's taking t?
WeII, I don t know.
THat's wHat Jod sa d.
We rea Iy need the store to work.
It is.
Don't put tHat kind of pressure on me.
No no It's not wHat I mean. I m just. .
Are you nervous about money?
Are we okay?
YeaH. AIl right.
Maybe we just suck it up because sHe's c ear y
earning so mucH more than any other empIoyee we Have.
Oh, yeah for sure. We can't f re Her.
We're bare y breaking even witH her.
THat's wHy we Have to keep her.
Look at tH s. She's mak ng out witH somebody.
(GASPS)
Is sHe screwing him?
PETE THat migHt be I ke a dry Hump.
DEBBIE; Look at tHe pos tion of her skirt.
THat's too grainy to know for sure
(GASPING)
Oh, my God. This is n tHe m dd e of tHe day. Customers couId be in there.
At Ieast sHe's getting some.
WHat d d you say? 'At Ieast sHe's getting some ?
(LAUGHING) Yes.
WHat are you taIking about? We Had sex the other n ght
You gotta give me a IittIe credit for that.
It's not about cred t. It's about..
We need to have more passion.
Like tHis.
THat's not passionate.
It Iooks pass onate to me.
What?
(FARTS)
WHat is sHe do ng? (FARTS) Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God OH, my gosH.
Don t do tHat. WHat am I do ng?
Don't fart in tHe bed.
I m not. It's tHe springs.
THis is why we never have sex.
THat s disgusting, you're gross.
I don't know wHat you re talking about.
(FARTS CONTINUOUSLY) You're so. .
God!
(SINGING) Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
CharIotte, I'm doing my Homework.
Okay watch this. Watch tH s.
THere's a haunted cow back here
I'm pretty sure it does not have miIk.
(YELLS)
Moo.
Moo!
See that? THey took me away.
You re no fun. You never want to pIay.
Char otte, how many times do I have to teIl you?
(SINGING) Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
Sadie is boring
(IMITATES PLAYING THE GUITAR)
You re so mean since your body got weird.
CIose the door.
You re no fun.
If you can just move just a IittIe bit more.
(GRUNTS) Oh, sh t.
Okay, okay Ah!
Ow. Ow.
No, my boob is in tHere!
D d I teI you that my son's go ng to Stanford?
No, tHat's great. Great for us, and great for him.
Cough aga n. Great schooI.
(COUGHS)
EverytH ng ooks good.
Your face s c ose to my face.
Descending coIon.
I'm about four feet in rigHt now.
THat's wHat He sa d. (LAUGHS)
Just try to breatHe tHrough your nose.
THat's your moutH. Breathe tHrough your nose.
(GAGS) Are you aII right?
(GAGS LOUDLY)
Are you a gr nder? Do you grind your teetH?
I gr nd aII night.
(IMITATES GRINDING TEETH) Oh!
(LAUGHS)
I tHink we need to turn tHe gas down.
Turn t up!
No, we re going to turn it down.
Turn t up!
(LAUGHING)
(WINCES) Ooh!
Do you Have to breatHe rigHt on my neck?
Sorry.
What are you aII do ng for CHr stmas?
Um I don't know.
You Have a tree and everytHing? Mm-Hmm.
Isn't that fun? In the spir t?
Sorry, I just had one quick question.
On your form, you said you were born in 197 4,
but your paper, t said '72. So I just need to know which it is.
It's 1 97 4.
Oh, wait. Because on your Iast form,
you said tHat you were born in 1975.
Didn't you te I me you were born n 1976?
No. (LAUGHS) THat's funny.
So, you want to go with 1 97 4?
I'm not gonna ''go witH ' 197 4. It is 197 4. (LAUGHS)
Okay.
Just remember to write ''197 4' every time.
It's okay. It's 1976.
I I e about my age, okay?
Okay. Okay? Okay? Okay?
Okay. Okay.
You re tightening up.
Oh, my gosh.
I know How oId you are by counting the rings. (CHUCKLES)
A ittIe gyno joke.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God. P ease.
WHat are you doing?
Gett ng ready to go for my r de.
You want a b ow job?
YeaH. WHy?
I reaIIy want a cigarette r ght now. (CHUCKLES)
Wow, Happy to He p.
Char otte wHere is my backpack?
CHARLOTTE HeI o?
Mom's busy!
Why are you Iocking the door?
Mom, wHat's go ng on in there?
Mom, I can't be ate for schooI. I have a test.
PETE; Mommy can't taIk rigHt now!
SADIE: THis isn't funny Mom. I need to go!
Mom, Iet me in! PIease!
THat's not gonna heIp!
PETE; Put on your sHoes. We'II meet you in tHe car.
Ow Sad e hurt me! I d dn't!
So, hit her back!
She's faking.
I m not! PETE: Go downstairs!
PIease Sadie gave me a. .
Stop crying! Stop crying
Stop it! God damn t!
PETE; Quit kiIIing each other! Mom, pIease come out.
Shut up! Stop it!
Open the door! PETE: Go away!
Open it up! PIease!
Forget it.
No, don't forget t, don t forget it Don't don t. .
(CHARLOTTE WAILING) Oh, God.
Hey, boycH k!
Hey!
(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)
It's the 1 1 ;00 from London.
Drop sometH ng vaIuab e, you sHit
How you do ng? How are you bubeIeh?
That's Ioud. Every eigHt m nutes, buddy
You Iook pretty good. Your hair s different.
YeaH, I m growing it out.
I d get t cut.
Daddy, you never pIay witH me.
I do, but rigHt now, Iook wHo I'm taIk ng to.
Hi. It's your brotHer!
Hi. You don't Iook ike my brother.
I toId you, Honey, that's because of tHe egg donor.
Remember? I came from a test tube!
(GIGGLES) (FORCED CHUCKLE)
How's bus ness? It's not good
Nobody wants curtains.
THey tHink of it Iike a uxury It's not a Iuxury.
You need shade. You need pr vacy.
WHo wants to Have otHer peopIe watch you fuck?
(BOY GIGGLES) I know How you feeI.
My business is going tHrough some growing pains r gHt now.
Daddy! Daddy!
Don't jump on Daddy. Be carefuI, don t jump on Daddy!
Remember Daddy Has HigH bIood what?
(GIGGLES) H gH bIood pressure.
THat's r gHt. My daddy's o d.
Can you go outside witHout me for a I tt e b t?
YeaH. Don't go near tHat ittIe poo !
A I rigHt? We're go ng to pee n tHe pooI.
Do The Three Stooges routine you were practicing.
I can t teI tHem apart.
I swear to God, I need tattoos.
Look I wanted to ta k to you about
scaling back a I tt e b t.
You know Deb and I are. . We're th nking about seIling tHe House.
I tHink tHat House is more than you need.
I tHink it was too b g of a purchase wHen you made t.
YeaH. In tHe meantime, I m going to have to make some cHanges.
I'm go ng to have to cut back.
I understand. What do you mean?
W tH you. OH.
I m sorry. WHat?
I can t end you any more money.
No, tHat s a bad idea. THat's not tHe way to cut back.
I Have three cHiIdren Here.
What about CIaire? Can't sHe get a job?
CIa re takes care of your brotHers!
What do you want her to do?
If sHe goes to work tHen I gotta Hire somebody!
WeII, you've got to figure something out
because I can't do t. I can't do t.
Okay, fine. WHy don't we kiII tHem?
Come on, we' I kiII two of tHem.
I I keep tHe best one.
ReaI y, t II save us both a ot of troub e.
Come on. Line up!
Line up for murder! Come on!
Who wants to be kiIIed? I do!
Okay we're eIiminating one aIready. We're cHeaper. You're gone.
BOY: Murder me. Okay. Boom. Dead!
I'm dead! You re dead! You're dead!
KiII me, k II me! A I rigHt, the k ds are murdered
THat wiII save us some money. Daddy is tHe best!
WHy wouId you Have tHree kids, anyway?
I mean you're 60 years o d. You Have no money.
Because CIaire wanted a baby.
If we didn't at Ieast try she wouId have Ieft me.
She was 45 years oId. Nobody tHougHt t wou d take.
THe doctor, when we re doing in vitro, is wink ng at me I ke...
''Don't worry, don't worry ''
We were very unIucky.
And now, we Have tHese tHree beautifuI chi dren
Come on. I gotta te I you sometHing.
What?
Your motHer wanted you aborted.
Oh. Jesus Christ.
No, no. It's the truth.
You know, it was tHe 70s. We were 22 years oId
THat s wHat everybody d d. You did some bIow, had sex, had an abortion.
RealIy? Yes.
We were on tHe way to the doctor's office
I said ''Let's stop, Have a pizza taIk about t.
''If you stiI wanna do it after unch, it's okay.''
THe p zza saved your Iife.
But don t give me money, because I'm not worth it.
So how much do I owe you for saving my Iife?
I don't Have a number. You just keep g v ng ike you're giving
Hey. Oh, hi, Pete.
Hey. Hey.
Why aren t you pIaying witH tHe kids?
We were p aying aI day w tH them.
Pete is just ta king to me about his 40th birtHday party.
WHatever I can do to He p.
Okay. Did you feed them?
I fed HaIf of one.
HaIf of. .
Let's go, we II feed them. Mommy w I feed them
(AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD)
WHo wants tuna witH a s de of jet fueI?
Hi, I'm look ng for my dad. I mean an oIder man.
So, how's Sony treating Pete?
He s not w th Sony anymore. He went out on His own
Now he s abIe to focus on the art sts
tHat He's rea Iy passionate about.
Hmm.
How s Sadie doing?
THe Iast time I saw Her, sHe was throwing Her Cheerios on the fIoor
(CHUCKLES) What a mess.
Right.
She just got her period.
WeII, I guess sHe s not a I tt e baby anymore.
It wouId be nice to see more of each other.
WeII, we can certainIy arrange for that. I'd Iove to see tHe girls.
THat wou d be nice. Mm-Hmm. It wouId
Do you Have a day that is better... A good day?
I wouId say tHe weekends, but our weekends are heII.
Soccer competitions, kids' exams.
RigHt, right. I mean, we re both so busy.
I Have young cHiIdren, you Have young cHiIdren.
I don't tHink we shou d judge ourse ves too HarshIy about tHat.
I know, I wasn't... I didn't say anytHing.
No, I m g ad we're Here. I th nk this s a good start.
And tHen, we can spend more time togetHer, it'd be nice
It'd be nice.
Do you want to see pictures of the kids?
Oh. Yeah.
THis is Ke my son.
He's Handsome. He s 13? Mm-Hmm.
And tHat s A exandra, my daughter. SHe s a reaI perfectionist.
A ot like you.
That's the whoIe gang at Cabo.
Excuse me, dear, I gotta go to tHe restroom.
Be r gHt back. Okay.
Daddy and I are making some cHanges
so tHat we can be happ er and heaItHier.
And we're starting witH tHis meaI that I prepared.
I tH nk it Iooks great. Doesn t t Iook good?
WHat is tHat, grilIed cHeeses?
No, baked tofu. OH.
It's actuaIIy reaIIy tasty.
And tHe Iettuce s so fresH and tasty
tHat you forget How good Iettuce tastes on ts own,
witHout dressing.
No, dressing aIways gets n tHe way of tHe naturaI taste of the Iettuce.
And anotHer tHing we've decided
is to cut back on a I of the eIectronics we use.
Bas ca Iy, what we re going to do, is get rid of tHe W -Fi
and on y use tHe computer. .
WHat? ..from 8 00 to 8 30 at night.
How are we gonna go on tHe computer?
We're gonna Have a hard I ne n the kitchen.
YeaH. We' I supervise tHat.
You can't do tHis. You can't take away the Wi-F
No W -F ! A-ha-ha.
You don't spend enougH time with tHe famiIy
wHen you're constantIy on your iPhone and your computer.
And you know, you re onIy Here for f ve more years.
So, you won't see me after f ve years?
No but you won t be iving with us.
And you sHouId get to know your I ttle s ster
PETE You've got the perfect fr end, rigHt Here.
I don't wanna be friends with her now.
I'I be friends witH Her wHen she s 20 and a normaI person.
I don't wanna Hang out witH Her wHen I m in my 20s.
You re on the computer too much as it is.
You need to get outside more, do some pIaying outside
YeaH, you couId buiId things. You couId bui d a fort outside.
WHat? YeaH, bu Id a fort.
P ay w tH your friends and have. .
Make a fort? Outside?
And do what?
Do wHat in tHe fort?
WHen I was a kid we used to buiId tree houses and pIay witH sticks
Nobody pIays w tH sticks.
You and CharIotte can have a Iemonade stand.
PIay kick tHe can.
Look for dead bodies.
It's fun. THat's fun to do.
Get a tire and then just take a st ck and run down a street w th t.
Nobody does tHat crap. It's 2012.
You don't need tecHnoIogy.
No tecHnoIogy!
CharIotte, put that down.
I don't need to be monitored a I the t me on tHe computer.
I don't do anytHing bad.
Nobody said you were bad.
I don't do tH ngs I m not supposed to.
I don't iIIega Iy downIoad music.
I don't Iook at porn I ke Wendy.
She is up to no good. She s not aIIowed to come over Here anymore.
What's porn?
No, she sa d ''corn ''
THis isn't turning out tHe way I wanted it to.
I'm not Hungry.
No computer. Listen to your mom.
I need to use t for my Homework.
(SADIE SLAMS DOOR)
She's outp ay ng us.
I know. She s tough.
DEBBIE; THis is tHe best birtHday present
PETE; It's good to get away.
We Haven't been to Laguna without tHe k ds n years.
I know. If we're Happy, they re Happy
YeaH, I mean, I can t take t.
W tH tHe Hormones, and tHe crying.
Jesus. And ''do my Homework.''
THem s iI' bitcHes.
Bugging us for sh t a I the time
And tHey never apprec ate anytHing.
No God no. THey're seIfisH asshoIes.
(LAUGHING)
Aw, I feeI bad. I ove them.
I know.
DEBBIE; I miss tHem a ready. ShouId we go home?
PETE: NaH.
WHy do we figHt?
I don't know, it makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
When we get n a fight,
Iook at my eyes and et's remember this moment, rigHt now
and know tHat we never Have to fight.
But you're sucH a dick sometimes.
I know, I am a dick sometimes.
Peop e tHink I m so nice, but I'm such a d ck.
THank you for admitting tHat.
And you get so mad at me, I feeI ike you want to kiII me.
I do want to ki I you.
How wou d you do t?
I don't know I'd poison you.
I'd po son your cupcakes that you pretend not to eat every day
And just put enougH in to just sIowIy weaken you.
I Iove t.
I wouId enjoy our Iast few months together. Me too.
Because you'd be so weak and sweet.
And I couId take care of you. .
But wHiIe ki Iing you.
See, you know wHat I ove about us?
You can st Il surprise me.
I figured for sure, you d knock me out witH one fe I swoop of poison.
But you wou d extend it over a series of months.
(LAUGHS)
Have you ever tHougHt about ki Iing me?
Oh, yeah. ReaIly?
Sure.
How would you do t? Wood cHipper.
A wood cHipper? YeaH.
A wood chipper.
YeaH.
Wow.
I know. Did you see Fargo?
YeaH.
(WHOOSHES)
Ugh.
THat's a bad pIan. The cupcakes is a way better pIan.
It is. You re right.
You know wHat? I won't murder you.
Aw!
I Iove you.
I Iove you, too.
Do you know wHat I brougHt? What?
A medicaI marijuana cook e. Ben gave it to me Iast Christmas
What?
YeaH. I brougHt it. You d d?
Choco ate ch p kooky.
ShouId we do t?
Let s eat tHe cookie and then we' I order a buncH of cHeeseburgers.
Let's order tHe entire room service menu.
Just get aI of t. You deserve it you reaI y do.
WouIdn't you rather have me around
for less years and I'm ncred bIy happy, tHan Ionger and miserab e?
Yes, and I just reaI zed that r gHt now.
Go get the cook e. I'm getting the cookie.
Go get the cook e.
Ow!
Shou d we watch porn wHen we eat tHe cook e?
Yeah. ShouId we get a bIock of porn?
I don't tHink we need 24 Hours of porn.
But you know, two porns costs just about as mucH as a 24-hour bIock.
I tHink tHat's too much porn.
We don't Have to watcH t aII, but for the vaIue, it makes sense
How mucH are we supposed to eat?
I don't know. I th nk s x or seven cookies, rigHt?
PIus, it's oId it probabIy has Iost some of ts. .
Potency.
We sHouId Have sex more.
I mean g rIs Have t so easy.
You just show up with your sexuaI organs and you're good to go.
A I tHe pressure is on the guy.
It's true.
And I Iook at guys. . Like I Iook at a guy Iike Prince,
and you know tHat guy fucks.
YeaH.
I know I don't fuck Iike Pr nce Uh-uh.
Prince can fuck. UH-HuH.
I fuck I ke Dav d Schw mmer.
(BOTH LAUGH)
You do.
You know, I fuck ike Ross from Friends.
Mmm.
Looks good.
How does he do t?
THe f oating spoon.
Check it out It's my d ck and baIIs.
Oh, my God. I don t eat my own dick.
I ate my dick!
KeIIy I tHink th s room has rodents.
THere Just saw t.
Have you seen my starfisH?
WHere did I put my starfisH?
My God.
I'm gonna deep throat this ecIa r.
I wanna make out witH you so bad.
I feIt ike I was gonna cHoke!
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
THat was nice.
Mom, CharIotte's crying
because sHe's got an ear nfect on aga n.
JODI: I didn t know wHat to do
We're Home.
Are you okay? (CHARLOTTE CRYING)
What's tHe matter?
I wanna rip my ear off, it hurts so much.
I to d you tHat ped atr cian d dn't know what He was taIking about.
Come on, you can't bIame it on our doctor.
Ear infections are common in I ttIe kids.
Not in kids over six years o d.
We're going to the Eastern doctor.
If sHe's in tHis mucH pa n, tHen we shouId ca I a reaI doctor.
Are you kidding right now?
(CHARLOTTE SOBBING)
I know. Okay. Yup.
WHat we sHouId do is easy and simp e.
No more dairy, no more wheat, no more sugar.
Sugar wheat and da ry. Okay. Yeah.
What the fuck is Ieft?
Sorry.
Isn't everytHing sugar, wHeat, and dairy?
She can have vegetabIes and fruits.
(IMITATES DOCTOR) OH, but sHe can eat fruits.
Fruits YeaH.
Any kind of fru t?
Mangos p neapp e.
It isn't, there are safe fruits
and tHen tHere are unsafe fruits? No, no.
WHat about French fries?
CouId we do sometH ng ike tHat? Are you okay?
Wou d you Iike to come on the tab e? I m okay I'm ..
Why don't you go on the tab e?
PETE; I don't wanna go on the tab e.
No It Iooks Iike you need to get on tHe tab e.
I don't wanna get on tHe tab e.
Pete!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
PETE: God damn t.
WHat are you doing?
I need you to ook at something. In my butt.
(CONTINUES CLICKING)
Why?
I tH nk I got something in tHere,
and I'm not Iimber enougH to see.
I need you to Iook at it, aI right?
I tH nk I might Have an anaI fissure, or a hemorrho d, or a worm or sometHing.
WHat are you do ng witH your pHone?
I'm trying to take pictures of t so I can compare it to something on Goog e.
Can we just keep just a sma I sHred of mystery
in our reIationsHip, p ease?
Look I saw you Have two babies, okay?
Serious y, I need you to get up a I in tHat.
I do not want to investigate your anus.
Payback t me.
(SIGHS)
It's a HemorrHo d.
THank you.
Now, erase that from your memory.
WHere'd sHe get tHose c otHes? Those are expensive cIotHes.
THink. Where do you tH nk?
I don't want th s to sound harsh,
but everytHing tHat comes out of her mouth is a ie.
EverytHing tHat goes into it is a dick.
EverytHing tHat goes n is dicks?
A dick.
Don't say tHat.
I'm sorry I'm just being protective of tHe store.
I'm go ng to go ta k to her.
Hey, Desi.
Hi. Hi.
Is tHat your new Acura out front?
UH, yeaH.
It's so nice.
Do you Iove t?
I mean, it's not a fucking Porsche but it'II do for now.
Huh.
Hey, Des wou d you mind wearing
some of tHe cIotHes tHat we have n the store?
Yes. YeaH, I m sorry.
WiI tHat be okay? YeaH.
Perfect.
Good?
You know, I actuaIIy made this one myse f.
Did you? YeaH.
THe t ger, I did t on a p ece of paper separateIy,
and tHen I actuaI y transferred it to the T-shirt.
Wow.
So, you stenciIed on tHe tiger?
I drew t on a piece of paper and then
I transferred tHe drawing to tHe T-sHirt.
You Have an amazing body.
ReaI y?
Yes. Are tHose reaI?
My boobs? YeaH.
YeaH. Do you wanna touch them?
ReaI y?
ToucH them.
Okay.
Wow.
Huh.
Jesus.
I mean, they rea Iy are amazing. That's firm, for reaI.
THey're I ke a memory mattress.
It's, wow, Iike Tempur-Pedic, you know?
THey ook amazing.
My kids just sucked tHe meat right out of mine.
No. YeaH.
THere's some meat in tHere.
My boobs are just gone Since I had kids, my boobs are just gone.
THey didn't even say goodbye, you know? THey just Ieft.
By tHe time I m 40 these are gonna go National Geographic on me.
I fee bad about myseIf r gHt now.
REALTOR: I think this ls a really good offer on the house.
We expected more.
I know it's a bad market,
but tHat's sti I way under wHat we were ook ng for.
l know, but based on what the market's like, it's like you're gaining money,
because it's so much more than what you deserve.
But these people are from Iran
and they don't realIy know that they're offering too much.
Is there any chance that Debble wilI go for lt?
I doubt it I mean, I don't know.
There's a lot of inventory out there.
I mean, what is her problem?
She has unreaIistic expectations.
I m faster tHan you!
We're Jewish!
Hey! Did you miss me, Trav s?
It's Jack.
Hey, Jack.
JACK My daddy doesn t know my name! (CHUCKLES)
LARRY: Okay, come on, Iet's go.
Can I go show them my crystaIs before tHey eave?
DEBBIE; YeaH, reaIIy quick.
It's aI right witH me. EIevator down
Okay. Go p ay with your t ny uncIes.
JACK: Let's pIay murder! TRAVIS: YeaH. Let s go.
So, what are you doing? Spring cIeaning?
I'm gett ng r d of everyth ng n the house tHat Has gIuten or sugar.
WHy? WHat's wrong with gIuten?
GIuten's reaIIy bad for you.
I don't think so. It's wheat
Don't you watch Dr. Oz?
As in, ' The Wizard of ?
Hey Mom we were wondering if we can use tHe computer to iCHat?
Remember tHe ruIes? 8 00 to 8:30.
YeaH, but I have a friend over
Hi, Wendy. YeaH, I know.
WHy don't you guys go p ay? You couId go buiId a fort!
LARRY; Hey, remember tHe Alamo?
Have you ever buiIt a fort, Wendy?
Like, on Facebook?
I w I take tH s if you're gonna tHrow it away,
because at our house, we're wheat-eaters.
But don't you want to ive Iong enough to see your kids grow up?
That's up to God, honey.
No but tHat's reaIIy not good for the kids.
Eh tHe kids eat grass, th s is fine.
Wendy's mom Iets Her go on whenever she wants
YeaH, my mom s pretty cooI about it
as Iong as I finish my Homework.
YeaH.
WelI, I guess I'm not the cooI one,
but the ru es are just d fferent in our house.
WeII, I get better grades tHan Wendy.
She does. She's so smart.
Let me just grab tHe candy worms.
See, your ruIes are ridicuIous
Don't sass me.
I'm on y sassing you because you're tHrowing out a I the food in our house
and I'm freaking starving.
You re being stup d.
Wendy, couId you go stand in tHe otHer room, pIease?
YeaH. Mom.
Give me your iPhone, now.
THe nougat tHings are good.
I Have a I my contacts in there.
Okay, if you don't g ve me your pHone right now,
tHen I m gonna have to take away your phone and your computer.
Jesus Christ I need my computer to do Homework.
THat's it No pHone, no computer.
This is B.S.
Th s is a bunch of F- ng S. You re act ng ike a B.
Kids! Time to go!
You go to your room, rigHt now.
You are not aIIowed to use
iPHone, iPad iPod Touch, iTunes, Netf ix,
Pandora or Spotify.
She's a ittIe pip, just Iike Her mommy.
So, I might have a job tomorrow.
At Ieast, I'm gonna go try to give an estimate.
Do you m nd taking tHe kids for a coupIe of hours?
Um...
Okay.
THis is nice.
You and I don't spend enougH t me together, do we?
We spend enougH time togetHer.
We do?
It's quaIity t me.
THen we do.
I I go w tH wHat you tH nk.
DEBBIE; WHat e se did tHey say?
A I r gHt, some kid named Joseph. .
I know JosepH. You do?
He s making a ''hot-or-not'' Iist.
What?
Sadie said, ' That's so Iame and immature tHat you re doing tHat.''
And tHen Joseph says 'Yo, gir we're just Having some fun.
''So don't be a bitch, yo ''
THat is not nice.
So then Sad e said, ''Don't caII me a b tch ''
And JosepH said 'I didn't caII you a bitcH.
''I said don't act I ke a bitch.
''And by tHe way, you're in the 'Not-Hot' coIumn ''
WHo made Him tHe judge of 'Hot ?
Do you reaIize wHat tHat couId do to her seIf-esteem?
What a IittIe fuckHead. I'II k II him.
Then Sadie sa d, ''You're in tHe jackass coIumn
''I gotta go, I'm bored of you ''
THat s cooI. That's tak ng the HigH road.
And tHen, for some reason,
tHere s an emoticon of a panda doing pusH-ups.
I wonderwHat tHat means.
I don't tHink t means anything. I tHink it's just adorab e.
Aww.
WeII, sHe's a good girI.
She was poIite and she stood up for Herse f.
THat's pretty cooI. (GASPS)
What?
Sh t. What?
I tHought she was com ng n.
Oh, my God, tHat scared me to deatH.
If she caugHt us, she wouId kiII us.
She wou d. SHe wou d ki I us.
Huh.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
I gotta make a caII.
We so d How many?
RONNIE: 612 album downloads.
Wait a m nute THere are no zeroes after that?
There are zeroes, but aIl of them are before 612.
There are none after.
How is tHat even possib e?
WeIl, out of 300 miIlion Americans,
612 peopIe chose to download the album.
You couId personalIy calI everyone who bought this record.
We're fucked, we re fucked.
Here s tHe deaI, I want you to meet me tomorrow morn ng at ;00.
I want a ist of at Ieast 30 deas of what we can do to cHange tHis.
We Have to cHange tHis.
I started a record Iabe because I couIdn't get a job,
so I have no otHer options. (PHONE BEEPS)
(SHOW TUNE PLAYING LOUDLY ON RADIO)
(SINGING ALONG)
WHat f nanciaI probIems?
WeII, I mean for one tHing, you were right.
You are missing about $10,000 from the store.
And tHen Pete's record not se Iing welI.
Pete's record not seII ng. .
I tHougHt we weren't supposed to hear for three weeks.
We Heard. You Heard?
And tHey're bad.
It's tHat and t s tHe money that he's been Iending H s fatHer
THat's creating a stra n.
How mucH Have we ent Him?
EigHty tHousand.
Did you say ,000 or 80,000?
80,000, over tHe past coup e of years.
And tHen you missed tHe mortgage payment.
On the house?
And you m ssed the rentaI on the office.
Does Pete know tHat?
YeaH, we're on tHe phone aII tHe t me.
Look, I know you're going tHrough a Hard t me.
And I want you guys to know tHat we re Here for you, okay?
AnytHing you guys need, tHat's why we're Here.
We're Here for times I ke this.
WHat are you gonna do?
THere's not mucH I can do.
WHat are you doing?
I'm drawing the a bum cover for Van HaIen's Dlver Down.
If you spent a ittIe bit more time focus ng on GraHam Parker
instead of drawing aIbum covers,
I wouIdn't be in tH s predicament.
I'm focused on Graham Parker.
You re supposed to heIp me with Him.
You re supposed to caI the compan es.
You re supposed to get people to tHe sHow.
I've done everytHing I can, Pete.
You Had me pushing around a corpse.
It was Iike be ng n fucking Weekend at Graham's.
What sHouId we do? I'm out of ideas
You fIy in THe Rumour.
I can't seI a reunion concert witHout tHe band, it's ridicu ous
W tH wHat? I can't afford t.
You put tHis on yourseIf. You wanted the responsib Iity.
Take it on tHe fuck ng cHin and stop acting I ke a bitcH.
WHat d d you caII me?
Ch n.
Pete. Wait Pete!
Hey, I Have an apartment.
I Have HeaItH insurance, I Have car payments.
I Have responsibiI ties.
You Have responsibiI ties? Don't ta k to me about responsib Iities
I Have a Iife. I Have a fami y.
I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting H gH, jerk ng off,
and tHen go ng to Tommy's Ch Ii Burgers at 3 00 in the morning
THat's not even tHe order tHat tHat Happens in!
I have everytHing to ose, here. EverytHing.
Yes, because you spent tHousands of doI ars on shit we don't need.
You reaIIy need to spend $30,000 on a fucking neon sign dude?
Which is inside it's not even outside. We know where we work.
If you want to sign a band, you gotta ook ike you re tHe reaI dea
Princess Labia, How mucH is it to fuck ng fIy THe Rumour in?
It's 12,000.
$12,000!
A I rigHt, you know wHat? Fine.
F y in THe Rumour. Put it on my AmEx.
No you sa d it was impossib e.
I don't think I said ''imposs bIe ''
YeaH.
I usuaIIy don t say '' mposs bIe ''
I Iike to eave some wiggIe room.
You said tHat my fibroid was like a giant bouIder,
Iike tHe one from the Indiana Jones movies
bIock ng up my uterus. Uterus.
And I need to stop using tHat reference of Indiana Jones.
I tHink tHat tHat's not appropr ate when taIking about tHe reproductive system.
It's okay.
Anyway, someHow tHe Eastern med cine has worked,
and the f broid has dissipated.
THat's great! Yes.
Wow. Yes.
Your f bro d shrunk and somehow
it aIIowed you to get pregnant.
What?
You re gonna have your tHird baby.
CongratuIations.
No.
Yes.
WouId you like some water?
THat's good news.
AnotHer baby.
At 40.
Debbie?
I am tHriIIed.
And Pete s gonna be so Happy.
So, you're okay?
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
WHat a reIief.
Because I can finaIIy re ax now, you know?
It's been, ike. .
(SIGHS)
It's okay.
I'm so Happy, tHough, you know?
I really am, because, I mean. .
It's good.
Great. Great.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Hey. Hey.
WHy are you in a batHrobe? It's the middIe of the afternoon.
I took a Iate sHower. Why are you bust ng my baI s?
I m sorry about tHe record.
You re going tHrougH financiaI sHit Th s s what I Iive with.
THis is a Horr bIe time in Human H story. What is that?
It's sometHing tHat migHt He p botH of our situations.
THis is a drawing by JoHn Lennon.
I got t 10 years ago for $5,000.
I don't know How much it's worth now.
It couId be five, it couId be 20.
I don't want tHis.
I don't even Iike it. I m not gonna hang it up.
It's not for you to hang up. It's for you to selI.
THat way I can give it to you and you make some money
and Debbie won't know tHat I'm giv ng you anytHing.
You re not g ving me money. You re giv ng me a project.
I don't know how to seI tHis. I'm not an art deaIer.
(STAMMERS) I don't know. Se I it on ine.
You know, do some researcH, make some caIIs.
Or is that too hard to do witH your High bIood pressure?
A I r gHt. Don't get snippy.
Just because you write a great song doesn't mean you can draw.
It s incredibIe. John Lennon drew t.
I tHink t s a Ringo.
Don't beat me up if I get $300 for it.
Don t take anytHing Iess than $6,500 for that.
It's very vaIuabIe It's important to me.
I want you to se I it so I can Help you.
Okay.
A I r gHt. I' I see you at my party.
WHat sHouId I bring? You want wine or sometHing?
No don't buy wine with my money and give it to me at my party.
THat's mean.
I Iove you. Bye. AIl right.
How do I caI eBay?
I mean, he caIIed me a bitcH. What am I supposed to say?
But I tH nk maybe tHat might mean He ikes me.
I don't know. It's making me reaIIy. . It's rea Iy awkward.
I tH nk He migHt I ke you.
She's so cute. SHe's so ta I.
I know.
How d d that Happen?
Do you ever w sH we Had a b gger family?
(CLICKS TONGUE) No. Never for a second
Never.
Never? Never.
I Iove what we Have.
One? A breeze.
Two? BrutaI.
THree? Put a buIlet in my Head.
Ugh.
You know, I tHink about tHat gray-haired pregnant ady from schooI,
and I just feeI bad for her.
And I feeI bad for the k d.
Can you magine?
A I tHe otHer I ttIe kids 'Where's your mommy?''
''Oh, she's the one sitt ng n tHat scooter, eating a soft cracker ''
Kids don't want to Have oId parents.
You know what? It wouId aIso be nice for us to spend some time apart.
Kind of rediscover wHo we are, individualIy.
It d be so great to not see you for a cHunk of t me,
so tHat I couId reaIly just miss you.
Remember wHen we used to miss each other?
Hey Hey you.
YeaH, wHat s up?
Hey, I'm Sadie's mom.
Sadie?
Sad e, the one you cHat w tH on tHe Internet.
No, man That ain't me.
WeII, it was you I saw your picture.
Did you make a Hot Iist? And not put Sadie on the hot I st?
She was not on my Iist, no.
You know wHat I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make my own Hot ist.
And you know wHat? You're on the not-hot Iist.
How does tHat feeI?
It doesn't botHer me. I'm comfortabIe witH tHe way I am.
Maybe you sHouIdn t be so comfortabIe with yourse f.
You know wHy?
You Iook Iike a min ature Tom Petty.
How s tHat feeI?
You tHink tHat haircut's cooI? It's not.
It Iooks Iike you put your Justin Bieber wig on backwards.
Are you sti I comfortabIe witH yourse f?
Why are you wearing a tank top? HuH?
So you can show off your ittIe baId pits, you Iitt e Hair ess wonder?
CooI tank top, man. Huh?
So next time you think about writing sometHing nasty
on my daugHters Facebook page, just remember me.
Remember me.
I wiII come down Here, and I wiIl fuck you up.
(SOBS) Okay I'm sorry.
Wait a m nute. Hey Hey Hey!
Wa t. You re not. . Are you crying?
Just et me go.
Oh, my. .
I'm sorry. Okay.
I m sorry.
I m not in my rigHt Head.
I understand. My mom's going tHrougH menopause, too.
It's a Hard t me.
WHat'd you say?
Are you going tHrough menopause?
I'm not going tHrough menopause.
I'm not gonna go tHrougH menopause for I ke 20 years.
I m pregnant, you little bitcH.
God damn it!
I'm going out witH Desi to find out if sHe's stea ing from us.
I've got the Graham Parker concert WHo s gonna watcH the kids?
I don t know. F gure it out.
DEBBIE; I kind of just wanted to talk.
I tHougHt maybe we couId go to a coffeehouse or sometHing.
You want coffee? Th s pIace Has coffee.
THey Have aI kinds of drinks.
Um...
But somep ace quiet, maybe
THis pIace can be quiet.
THere's a spot in the back. It's pretty quiet.
WHat sport do you guys p ay?
We pIay Hockey.
Oh, I Iike hockey.
Who do you guys pIay for?
We pIay for tHe Ph IadeIpHia FIyers.
So, you guys are a I from PHiIade pH a?
ALL: No.
ActuaIIy, none of us are.
Do you guys st II Have a I of your teetH?
WeII, I got a I my teeth except these ones. (GASPS)
Do you want to try tHem on?
YeaH, I' I do it. Go for t.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Do I Iook sexy?
ALL: Yeah!
Do you want to make out with me?
Oh, yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Wow.
THey def niteIy look way better on her tHan they do on you.
Here we go.
THank you.
So shou d we go to tHe quiet area?
No, no, no.
WHere are you going?
We kind of Have to Have a I tt e business meet ng tonigHt.
Business meeting?
Gir s, you gotta ceIebrate because we won tonight. Let's go.
I want to party with these winners. Come on, Deb.
Just come to tHe stage and dance with us.
YeaH. Okay.
Yeah!
Okay, Iet's fucking dance!
Yeah!
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
PETE: Don't be shy, feeI free to come down and flll up these empty seats.
Thank you so much for comlng. This is so excitlng!
(CROWD CHEERING)
For the first time in over 30 years,
Graham Parker & The Rumour.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SINGING ROCK SONG)
WHere are H s fans? I mean, where are they?
It s Hard to watcH a band when you know aII of tHem remember D-Day.
WHat was tHe press turnout I ke?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh. You're serious?
Nobody came. Nobody.
Nobody is Here?
THe guy from Green Day is Here.
YeaH, BiII e Joe I ema Ied him. He's a fan.
You gotta get a pHoto of the two of them.
No He says He doesn t want to do any press.
He s just watcHing the show.
Oh, how punk-rock of him. ''I don t Iike pHotograpHs.''
Grow up, Green Day!
Shut the fuck up, Tom Se Ieck!
It's so good you did tHis.
Pete, I wanted to Iet you know that I got offered a job at Sony Records,
and I tHink I'm gonna take t.
I used to work for Sony.
No I know. THey ove you tHere.
Who d d you interview with? JoHn CIeary.
I hired John CIeary. He h red me.
What do you know?
He onIy Had IoveIy tH ngs to say about you.
No, He's a dick and He's gonna fuck you too.
Not if I do a reaI y good job.
Rea Iy? I s gned PearI Jam.
(DANCE SONG PLAYING)
You don't have, ike. .
I wou dn't ca I them classicaI y good dance moves,
but you Ieft it a I out there.
You re a bIast to dance w th.
THank you.
We're Having a IittIe sH nd g at the hote after this.
You shouId come by and hang out at tHe hoteI.
You want me to come to the hoteI?
Yes, I want you to come
by tHe Hote with me.
WeII, wHat wouId we do there?
Maybe we can find somewHere quiet and have fun and k nd of see wHere t goes.
Do it Iike adu ts do sometimes and. .
Like, sex?
I mean if you want.
If tHat's on tHe docket, but I'm not try ng to force tHat.
So, you wou d do sex witH me?
''Do sex ?
WHat are you, Borat?
Are you hitting on me?
Yes, yes, I m hitt ng on you.
You re Hot and cooI and nice and you Have beautifu eyes.
I m sorry.
I'm marr ed, I have two kids and I'm pregnant.
THat s wHat we caII the hat-trick. Wow.
I m sorry I d dn't te I you.
I was just reaIIy enjoying you being so nice to me.
I Hope tHis doesn't come off as super-cHeesy,
but I tH nk you re a very rare find.
THank you.
And I wouId totaIIy do sex'' w tH you
(LAUGHS)
PETE; THat was spectacuIar, guys.
Rea Iy we I done. Amazing.
THank you. Good, good.
Hey, Graham.
Pete How are you, man?
WeII, tHe first numbers came in.
YeaH, rigHt yeaH.
Happy? How s t Iooking?
About Ha f of your Iast record.
Ah So, you were expecting it to se I?
THey never seI anymore. They used to se I, but now tHey don't.
I m not a sexy 16-year-oId girI.
But I wanted to seII t. It's sucH a good record.
I feeI I ke I Iet you down.
No, I'm gonna be f ne, man. My overheads are so Iow
I just got a song in Glee.
THe guy in tHe wHeeIcHa r is gonna s ng t to tHe Asian gir I beIieve.
I don't know, I've never seen the show, but that s what I m toId.
THe secret is, make sure you have a smaII nut.
THat's tHe key to Iife.
Graham, I don't have smaII nuts alI rigHt?
I Have b g nuts and I need to prov de for them.
Graham! Hey, wHat's up?
Bi Iie!
Graham, How are you doing, man?
Great fucking show, man. Good to see you
THank you. Fuck.
YeaH, I'm nspired.
I want to write a fuck ng song r gHt now.
Inspired. YeaH.
THat nspires me.
Let's go get a dr nk. Let s get a drink.
A I r gHt. You coming?
No, no, I'm fine. You guys go.
CongratuIations on Glee.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! Yes, tHank you.
A I r gHt See you, Pete.
A I right. So Iong guys. Later.
GRAHAM Yeah yeah.
You got a song on Glee? YeaH.
THat's kiIIer, man. That's so mucH money.
It's great. It's good for aI of us.
DEBBIE WHy d d you put tHat guy's teeth in your moutH?
(LAUGHS)
THat's so gross. (SNORTS)
(MUFFLED) I was drunk. He was dirty.
No, He was wearing a t e.
THat's true. He wasn't dirty.
When I kissed Him, I feIt his IittIe tiny teetH nubs w tH my tongue.
You d d? YeaH.
It was Iike kissing a baby.
French-kissing a baby.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Can I ask you someth ng stup d? Uh-huh.
Do you know wHy we re missing money at the store?
Are you guys miss ng money?
Yeah. Like $12 000.
Do you tHink that I took t?
No. I mean. . WeII, no.
I did and I don't now.
It's not me.
Why do you live in such a nice apartment and Have sucH a fancy car?
Yes, you re right. Um .. Look. .
(SIGHS)
I am an escort.
I get paid to go out on dates.
You. .
Oh.
But onIy tHree to five times a year.
Ten times, max.
But it's not tecHn calIy prostitut on, because I don t Have to sIeep witH tHem
Oh, weII that's good.
But I a ways do.
THat's wHy I on y do t four to eight times a year.
F fteen times max.
Huh.
One year, I did it 20.
WeII, as Iong as you think t's safe.
It's safe.
I onIy do it 10 to 30 times a year.
So who do you tH nk is steaI ng money?
It's fucking Jodi.
No. YeaH.
She's a piI ed-out whore.
Huh.
Since you toId me I want to teI you sometHing.
You re pregnant.
How d you know?
Wow.
Maybe you shou d teII Pete.
You didn't teII Pete yet?
I Haven't toId Pete.
WHy? I don t know wHy.
I just want Him to want me.
I don't want Him to want me because I'm pregnant.
Go home and fucking suck His d ck
and teII him then, and he wiI Iove t.
You tH nk? He II be so excited.
Or even better yet. . Better yet,
you sHouId teI Him whiIe you re sucking H s d ck, ike. .
''I'm pregnant ''
(LAUGHS)
WHat are you doing?
Um return ng some emaiIs.
WHat t me do you Have to go to work?
Like, 10 minutes ago.
Do you wanna be Iate?
No I can't be Iate, not today.
Do you see me standing Here in front of you,
HaIf-naked?
(CLEARS THROAT)
YeaH.
And does tHat
make you feeI anything or. .
(SIGHS) Come on. Are you try ng to start a f gHt?
No, I'm not trying to start a figHt w tH you.
I m trying to fuck you.
Oh, God, you know what?
Today of aI days,
is tHe day you need to cut me a break, aI rigHt?
Whatever.
Oh, God.
What?
I didn t reaIize it was ntentionaI.
I d dn't say anytHing because I didn't want you to be embarrassed.
I tHought I was being ga Iant.
A I rigHt, fine I'm an assho e.
God.
You know wHat your probIem s?
You re never, ever in the moment.
You re never ever present. You re never in your body.
THat s not true. I am in tHe moment You know how I know?
I want to get the fuck out of the moment.
I swear, I can t w n with you. I just can't do it.
You can t just waIk away.
Oh, God.
Hey! How s tHe record company go ng, Pete?
What? Not great.
I'm sti I wa ting for numbers to come n.
WHat Have you Heard?
A coupIe numbers have tr ckIed in
It's Iower tHan we expected.
THen why are you giving Larry money?
What?
I know everytH ng. I ta ked to the accountant.
You know what? I don t wanna get nto some nasty f gHt
so can we pIease ta k to each other
tHe way tHe tHerapist to d us to taIk to each other?
F ne. Fine.
It makes me feeI sad wHen you are d shonest.
I understand t makes you fee bad wHen I am disHonest w tH you.
It Hurts my feeIings when you treat me with contempt
and corner me, and try and trick me into ying.
Okay.
It makes me sad when it's so easy to tr ck you into ying,
because you're such a Iying sHit-bag.
THat s not... You can t do that, you can t do tHat.
THe therapist said you're not aI owed to judge me.
THat's not a judgment, tHat's just a fact.
Fair enougH.
Sometimes I withhoId truth, tHat is true.
But t s onIy because I m scared to death
of your crazy-assed, ilIogicaI overreactions.
WeII. .
It Hurts me inside and triggers me
wHen you're sucH a dishonest sh t,
that you re Iending your father money witHout te I ng me
wHiIe your record company's going bankrupt
and we're on tHe verge of Iosing our fuck ng House!
(PLAYING)
WHat e se are you Iy ng about?
I've taken Viagra for two years.
I ate six muffins downstairs a wHi e ago
and my choIesteroI IeveI s 305.
My Heart couId exp ode at any second.
THese migHt be my very Iast words.
Oh, and I gave Char otte antibiotics wHen you weren t ook ng.
THat's wHy Her ear got better So go fuck your witch doctor.
What are we even doing? What are we doing?
TH s is not making me happy. You re not happy.
You don t Iike me. I can feeI that
I m not b ind.
Jesus.
We're Iike business assoc ates.
We're I ke brother and sister.
THere's no passion tHere.
We're not Iike brother and s ster You know what we're I ke?
We're like Simon and GarfunkeI
and, someHow, you turned me into GarfunkeI.
I don't even know what that means.
Art Garfunkel.
WHat's wrong witH Art Garfunkel? He has a beautifuI voice.
He s got an amazing voice! He couId put a harmony to anytH ng
But what I m saying is tHat you turned me into Him.
WHat tHe heI are you talking about?
Simon contro s h m!
That's because Simon writes tHe fucking songs!
He s tHe better one!
You know what? I see tHe way you ook at our kids
You Have so mucH ove and compassion for them.
You never Iook at me Iike that. Ever.
WouId we even stiI be togetHer
if I didn't get pregnant 14 years ago?
You know wHat? I m not gonna go down that road.
WouId we?
Okay.
You know what? I don't want to have a party Here.
You need to canceI t.
No, I m not.
I aIready paid for the cater ng. I've put down deposits.
And I sure as fuck am not gonna caII everybody back in two days
wHen you cHange your mind.
Your glrIfriend is not ugly.
SPONGEBOB: ActuaIly, Larry, she's not my girlfriend. She's just a...
lt's cool, buddy. You don't have to expIain your girlfriend to me.
Can you pIease stop licking your fingers?
Do you know how many germs are on your hands?
And you're putting tHem into your moutH.
That's gross. Stop.
Stop it!
I m gonna kiIl you!
Hey! Sadie, enougH, aII right?
She isn t hurt ng anyone.
You want to say sometHing, just keep your moutH shut.
You Have never been nice to her
and now sHe's getting aggressive witH you
I toId you tH s wouId happen.
(DOOR SLAMS)
I'm s ck of everybody fighting.
WHat do you tHink you're gonna be Iike wHen you grow up?
I don't know Um. .
I don t know.
Do you tHink you want kids?
Mm-Hmm. Just one.
Just one, wHy?
Because f I Have two, then the other wiII figHt witH the other one.
Does it make you sad wHen you fight?
Mm-Hmm. I don't want anyone to fight.
I Iove you.
WHy isn t anybody taIking? Why is it so quiet?
It's tHe Sounds of Sllence.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG)
W II you stop Dad?
How many of tHose are you gonna eat?
As many as I want.
I m gonna teI Mom on you.
Try t. See what you get for CHr stmas.
NotHing.
Sn tches w nd up in ditches.
Remember tHat.
Hey, Peter.
Hi. Hiya.
A I r ght. See you.
Have a good one.
Peter.
Peter!
H .
Catherine.
I m JosepH s motHer.
Oh, right. No, I know. Hi, CatHerine.
Our kids have gone to schooI togetHer for eigHt years.
Sorry.
HeIIo, JosepH.
I Hear our kids Have been cHatt ng onIine.
YeaH? I Heard tHat your wife has been screaming at my son.
And I don't apprec ate it. Excuse me?
She screamed at my son.
Right? She threatened you. SHe screamed at you. She cursed at h m.
He's 13 years o d, for God's sake.
WHat tHe He I is the matter with her?
Okay, you better check Her meds and get 'em right.
Okay you know what? Why don't you back the fuck off?
Because that's my Iove y, sweet wife you're ta king about.
Oh, I need to back off? YeaH, you need to back off.
Because your k d is an anima He's a fucking animaI.
Why don't you put Him on a easH?
Turn around, turn around, turn around!
If He insuIts my daughter aga n,
I'm gonna Hit Him witH my fucking car.
Got t?
In fact, f you insuIt my wife again, you know wHat I m gonna do?
I'm gonna sHow up at your house wHen you're sIeeping
and I'II take your iPad or your iPod or your iMac
and I'II sHove tHem up your fuck ng Cunt.
I got notHing to ose Your kid is tHe prob em.
My k d is a fuck ng angeI. Turn around.
I don't Have time for this sh t.
So I'm keep ng t together, but if I wasn t at scHooI rigHt now ..
ToucH my... ToucH me?
I didn't touch your. . You toucHed my upper breast.
I didn't. I didn't. I got r ght be ow your sHouIder.
You got rigHt Here. You actua Iy.. He H t my n pp e.
You wHat?
You're insane.
WHy wouId you do tHat? Did you just touch my mom's nipp e?
He just toucHed my n pp e. Why would you do that to me?
I poked you on the shouIder.
I Have very HigH nippIes.
I toucHed your sHirt.
What do you tH nk is under my sHirt?
I just. . My breasts are under my sHirt.
Your sHouIder. Your shouIder. He just toucHed my breast.
WelI, tHat's a funny pIace to put a shouIder, on my boob.
HeI o? THere are chiIdren around.
TH s sn't over. Th s s not over. You re gonna be sorry.
Let s go. Let s go, et's go, Iet's go!
And wHy the fuck wouId you beI eve Desi?
You just admitted t.
Did I?
You stoIe $12,000 from me, Jod and I need you to pay me back.
Cou d you at east g ve me a referraI?
You babysat my k ds wHile you were on OxyCont n.
Oxycodone.
WeII, oxycodone.
Oxycotton.
OxyCont n?
Oxykitten.
What's Oxyk tten?
Meow.
Jodi, you put me in danger. Me and my famiIy.
It was a cry for He p.
HeIp. Help.
WHy don't you Help me?
WHy don't you HeIp me? Just HeIp.
Just He p.
(SOBS GIBBERISH)
You didn't HeIp me.
Are you HigH rigHt now?
(GROWLS) HeIp me.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Is tHat about me? Is tHat tHe cops?
Is tHis a set-up?
I need to go.
Okay, see you Iater.
(GROWLS) Fuck you, Debb e.
Fuck you.
CouId you see it in your heart to end me some money?
I wouId Iove to Iend you money, but. . THank you.
I mean, tHere's no way I cou d. WHy?
I just wouIdn't wanna jeopardize a re at onsHip
witH somebody tHat I care about by g ving tHem money.
I mean, ook how far we've come
tHat you couId come to me for adv ce and be abIe to ask me to borrow money.
Let me ask you a question. WHo do you Iike better S mon or GarfunkeI?
Garfunke ReaIIy? GarfunkeI?
YeaH, He's got tHe voice of an angeI.
He's got a great voice, but what about S mon? He wrote tHe songs
WHo cares? Everybody wr tes songs. How many s ngers are tHere?
S mon's a good singer, too. Art GarfunkeI is a choir aII n one man.
Have you ever hear Pau S mon sing Bridge Over Troubled Water
in concert by H mseIf? It's a nigHtmare. It s Iike na Is on a chaIkboard.
Is there a cHance I'm just wrong about everytHing?
Defin te y. Of course. Abso uteIy.
JosepH was very upset wHen I spoke to h m about this
So I thought t was important tHat we
join togetHer and work tH s througH.
Absolute y.
We're gonna work tHrough it,
but Debbie told my son that he ooked Iike Tom Petty,
in a negat ve way.
WHo's Tom Petty? You know wHo Tom Petty is.
And sHe sa d that if sHe had to come back tHat sHe was going to..
''F ' up his pussy-ass, which is what she sa d.
Oh, my. .
Are you serious?
I didn't. I wouId never. To a chiId?
Your son Has been defiIing my daughters Facebook page now for montHs.
THese peopIe are iars.
He said tHat my son was an animaI
and tHat if I didn't keep Him on a easH,
tHat He wouId Hit him w th h s car.
Did you say tHat?
THat's ridicuIous.
WHo ta ks I ke that? You do.
He d dn't say tHat. He said it to me.
No WHat I said was that we need to keep an extra eye on our kids
because with aI tHe technologicaI advances,
tHey need to Iearn to use tHem responsib y.
No. WHat He said to me was. . He caIIed me an iCunt.
PETE; A wHat? Language CatHerine! Language
CATHERINE: I'm quoting!
How am I gonna reIay
wHat tHese two nutbaIIs said to me, unIess I say t?
Can you pIease not ta k Iike tHat, Catherine?
Music Man s reHearsing next door.
Sorry fucking Music Man.
Maybe f I Iooked more ike this fake buI sHit coup e.
Looks Iike they're in a bank commerciaI.
THat's wHat you Iook I ke.
Like you're a buI sH t bank commerciaI coup e.
None of tHis ta k is productive.
I wouId I ke to rear up and jackkn fe my egs
and kick you botH in the fuck ng jaw witH my foot bone.
You re just reaIIy scaring me
THis is wHat happens wHen you corner a rat.
You corner me, I wi I fucking cHew tHrougH you.
I I cHew tHrougH you.
Cather ne, you're better tHan tHis.
Fuck you J Il. You re a horr bIe fuck ng woman
THis is wHy everybody Hates you, Ji I.
THis kind of shit. Ineffect ve. Fucking buI sH t Ha r.
And I'm gIad your husband died.
Because you're a fuck ng asshoIe He probabIy kiIIed H mse f.
Okay Catherine, I tHink we know wHat's Happening now.
Now you know wHat we're dealing with.
I'm not gonna eat that chicken.
Why not?
Because I feeI Iike I'm gonna be a vegetar an.
Can you become a vegetarian tomorrow? Uh-uh
(SOBBING) You guys Have been reading my texts?
No, we Haven't. Yes, we Have.
We're supposed to keep an eye on you.
How d d you find out?
Joseph toId me tHat you fIipped out on him and his mom.
And you guys are nuts, and I agree.
A I r gHt, you know wHat? Don't be disrespectfuI.
You're tHe ones wHo are d srespectfuI.
Reading my texts is Iike reading my diary
And you were reaIIy sweet on your iCHats.
We were reaIIy proud of you.
YeaH, we were going to give you your computer and phone back.
Fuck you!
Okay, there's the f rst officia ' fuck you.''
Okay, that is not How we taIk to eacH other in this house.
You guys taIk to each otHer ike that aII the time.
And to JosepH and His mom. You made Joseph cry.
JosepH Has a crusH on you. You I ke a boy wHo cries
Shut up Char otte.
You guys so desperate y want me to be so perfect and to make no mistakes.
WeII, you two are fuck ng insane.
Okay.
A I you do s f gHt, or you don't figHt, which is even worse
because it Iooks Iike you Hate each other for weeks.
You obsess over every littIe tHing I do,
and you don't trust in me or beIieve in me.
WeII, I'm fuck ng sick of t.
YeaH, I said ''fuck '' Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Ground me forever, I don t care. I don t care about anytHing.
(SOBS)
I Hate everytHing.
Everyone's go ng crazy. I don't care if I Have no friends.
Are you st II upset about Lost?
Of course I m upset about Lost!
You guys took away my sHit before I cou d watch tHe Iast two ep sodes.
And I don't know wHat tHe fuck happened!
She's becoming just Iike us.
I Hope I never get my period if tHis is what happens.
WHere d d you find tH s?
I sto e it.
THank you.
No big deaI.
Our k ds are fucking crazy.
And it's our fau t.
Do you tHink tHere's anytHing we can do to turn it around, or...
Sadie's 13 SHe might be a Iost cause.
Where did sHe earn tHat kind of Ianguage?
We don't ta k Iike tHat.
I Have no fucking idea.
Do you think Sadie is tHis crazy because of us
or is t Hormones and Lost?
J. J. Abrams.
He s ruining our daugHter. Yeah
THat fucking geek.
I feeI bad for us. I feeI bad for us.
A I of a sudden, we re Iike a magnet for negativity.
Why do peopIe keep attack ng us?
WHat d d we do? We're just doing our best.
ShouId we ta k about our fight?
I tHink we re under enough pressure.
Let's just Iet it go, tHis t me.
YeaH.
We can give each other a break.
A I rigHt, great. Thank you.
And I'm sorry about my dad. You're rigHt.
I'm sorry tHat He's just an endIess mooch.
THe trutH is tHat th s isn't about us.
It's about our parents.
We're not even mad at eacH otHer. We're mad at them.
ExactIy. Exact y.
Let s just take away our parents' power by Ioving tHem.
Can we do that?
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
Thank God.
I kind of feeI better aIready, do you?
Do you? I do.
I Iove you. I Iove you, too.
(SIGHS) It s not us, it's them
TotaI y.
What are you doing? We have to get ready for tHe party.
I just watched tHe last ep sode of Lost.
Okay.
You know wHat? We don't have time for this rigHt now.
We Have a Iot of peopIe coming over.
THey're aI dead.
What?
Jack, Kate, Sawyer. .
I don't care about the sHow r ght now. J n, Sun. .
Okay? I need you to just get n tHe sHower, get dressed.
Let s just put it on HoId. Wa t, JuIiet. .
A I tHose people.
Don't th nk about Lost today.
Tomorrow, Lost, a I day I can't wait to Hear about t.
Jack? No way, reaIIy? Right now, shower.
I don't make fun of your stup d Mad Men.
First of a I, I don t get worked up over Mad Men.
THat's because Mad Men sucks.
WHat Don Draper Has gone tHrough
beats wHatever Jack is running from on some fuck ng sIand.
BuncH of peopIe smoking in an office. It s stupid.
It's about a Iot more than that. And you don't Have any kind
of understanding about what t was Iike in the '60s
You do cry during Mad Men.
I don't cry over it. I apprec ate it. RigHt.
You re getting me off topic.
Just, pIease get dressed.
HeI o. Hi.
I m g ad you're Here.
I need a buffer in case it gets weird.
Oh, weII, I'm ready to buff.
Grab these napkins Let's buff. Okay.
So, that's the girI wHo works for you.
YeaH. THat s her. Works for Debb e.
She seems nice.
My wife wouId never et me have a hot empIoyee I ke tHat.
YeaH? No.
Every woman who works for us
Iooks Iike tHey ve been n some k nd of horrib e acc dent.
I'm taking contro and now you're my sIave.
Are you comfortabIe w tH tHat around your husband?
Oh Pete wouIdn t know wHat to do witH tHat.
Do you tH nk our wives are Iooking at us rigHt now?
Oh, def niteIy. Yeah.
THey ook Iike pedopHiIes.
THank you. The g rIs are so exc ted you're Here.
THey're aI outside.
Hi. Hi.
Hey, how are you? How are you, man?
Good to see you.
Happy birtHday, Pete.
How wonderful to see you.
Thank you, Grandma MoI y.
You re wonderfuI.
And Iook at my gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
No I get tHat. I'm just wondering wHy I sHouId do t.
Pete Jason's here.
Peter, hi.
Hey, how's t go ng, Jason?
You Iook weI THank you.
How do you I ke what I've been doing to your girI?
How you Iike Debbie's ''after body?
It's nice. Come on. SHow him.
Look at this. It's beautifuI.
Look at tHat ' after'' ass. Now, t starts here
But t used to start Here.
And I brougHt it up.
You re weIcome.
So, are you a trainer?
Yes. OH.
But not just pHys caI. Spiritua I'm sort of a guide.
Mm-Hmm. You guys shouId ta k I tHink you'I get aIong.
Come here, honey. I gotta teI you sometHing.
YeaH.
Who s tHat in tHe pooI? Mine.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
HeI o. HeILo Debb e.
How are you? Good.
Remember my Husband, Pete?
Oh, r ght I d dn't recognize you witH tHe Iong Ha r.
Oh, yeah. I've been grow ng t.
Happy birtHday.
THank you so mucH.
Very oId Scotch.
Wow You know. .
I Hope it Hasn t expired.
(LAUGHS)
No, Scotch doesn't expire.
It improves witH age.
YeaH. No, I know. Thank you so...
THat's nice. Come on in Sure.
Sorry.
So, what do you do in CHino, OI ver?
I'm a surgeon.
Wow What kind? THat's great.
MainIy of tHe spine.
My speciaIty is scoIiosis surgery.
My mom used to taIk to me Iike I had scoI os s
because I'm a IittIe HuncHy, but tHat's a different tHing
WeII, you def niteIy don't Iook rigHt.
Hey! Hey!
LARRY; Sorry we're Iate.
I was n the Iab, cloning myse f.
We're gonna Have another seven tomorrow.
We cut tHe r Ha r d fferent y, so we can finaIIy te I wHo tHey are.
You I ke tHe new Ha rcut, Travis?
I m Jack, damn it!
Oh. Of course.
Larry, tHis is my fatHer.
Rea Iy? How are you?
O iver. OI ver?
''Can I have some more?
''PIease O iver? I need a I tt e more, sir ''
I Iove tHat mov e. You must get that aII the time.
Not reaIIy. JACK; My nose itcHes rigHt Here.
I m sorry, excuse me. I m CIaire and I m Larry s w fe.
Very n ce to see you but I'm gonna go get the kids.
We won't see Her now for the wHole day.
I'd He p, Honey, but you know I got tHe bIood pressure,
and I don't want to.
Can I get you a drink Dad?
Yeah, a I ttIe white wine.
WH te wine? YeaH.
Heavy stuff. YeaH.
So, who knew that Debbie Had a dad?
WHere Have you been for 15 years?
Never seen you at HanukaH or Chr stmas or Ramadan, notHing.
How you get out of aI that stuff? Do you Have a wife?
YeaH, my w fe's at Home.
WHy didn t sHe come?
UH, construction They're sanding our deck.
You Iet the woman sand the deck?
She supervises it. Yes.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Hey! Look How b g the kids are!
Sadie!
H Larry. Hi, Sadie.
Mom. Who's Oliver?
WHat do you mean?
Is he your dad?
Is he my.. He s my bioIogicaI fatHer.
What does tHat mean?
It means tHat my mom, Grandma..
He and my mom Had a baby, and that was me
Oh, so you're our grandpa?
WeII, wHy don't you ask your mother?
YeaH. I guess so.
THen tHat wou d make Him your grandfather then, yes.
Do you want him to be?
Yes, tHen we get another grandpa.
Come on.
WeII. .
AnotHer grandpa. TrampoI ne t me.
THat was deepIy uncomfortab e.
(SIGHS)
At Ieast tHat pretty girI was Here to divert our attention.
Oh, my gosh Hi.
Me, oH, my I d d not see you tHere.
Hi. I saw you tHere.
Did you guys come together? Are you a coupIe?
No, we didn't come togetHer. No, absoIuteIy not.
I'm sorry, I tHougHt... The moustache s a IittIe. .
Mmm. THat s fair. DESI I just assumed.
THis is a straigHt-man moustache.
WHat is tHe difference between a gay man's moustache
and a straight man's moustache?
THe smeII.
Uh, excuse me.
So, spinaI surgery.
It just seems to me to be at the top of tHe surgery cHa n.
(CHUCKLES) WeII, we're not card o, we're not neuro,
but I ike to tH nk we're an important part of tHe spectrum.
Do you operate every singIe day? Most days.
MultipIe times a day?
Three, four times.
So, what's the price range? Like, if I wanted a..
I d ratHer not say.
It's so big, you're embarrassed to say.
I wou dn't say 'embarrassed ''
Are tHere HuncHbacks today? Of course.
I ve never seen one.
WeII, tHat's because tHere are sp na surgeons.
THat's because of you.
Each time I don't see a hunchback,
you re getting that much richer.
You I ke THe BeatIes, don't you?
(CHUCKLES)
WHo doesn't Iike The Beat es? Nobody.
No, nobody.
RONNIE (LAUGHS) So funny You're so funny.
WHat is your sun sign?
Libra. OH, boy.
THat's not good. No, sir.
THat's not good. Not for me tHat's not good.
Sexua Iy, we're compIeteIy incompatib e.
THat's not true. RigHt?
THat's sucH a sHame.
YeaH, it's as bad as it gets.
You don t know. WHat is yours?
I'm a Cancer.
RealIy? Is tHat good?
Wow. What does it mean?
THat's kind of strange. WeII..
Taurus and Cancers are, sort of, souI mates of the Zodiac.
We're, ike, perfectIy compatib e.
And I baIance wHat you ack and you make up for what I Iack.
And a quiet Cancer aImost aIways Has a Huge penis.
You re making me embarrassed. Thank you.
THank you.
No. Fantastic.
Oh, I wanted to make a toast.
THank you guys for coming. Thank you so mucH.
Pete's turn ng 40.
Weird.
And we re ready to start this new phase of our Iives w tH open hearts.
Ready to just cHoose joy and forgive everybody.
So, thank you aI for coming.
Wait. Forg ve wHo?
I tHink sHe just means in a generaI sense.
You know just put tHe past behind us. .
And Iive witHout resentment.
But, specificaI y wHo are you forgiving?
I just I ke to know tHe detai s before I make a toast.
Right. You and my dad and, you know otHers
I see.
WelI, I know you Have some issues with me
but I'm cur ous, what's he in for?
Before today nobody even knew he ex sted.
WeII, my parents divorced wHen I was realIy young
and we don't spend mucH t me together and I'd Iike to work on that.
Just ike we wouId Iike to work on
How you Have financia issues.
She s taIking about aI tHe Iending and tHe borrowing and. .
I know wHat she meant.
You are a beautifuI woman, but you are not tota Iy maxed out.
I wouId say HonestIy, you're a six.
BOTH: Oh. A six-and-a-haIf
I couId make you an 1 1. ReaIIy?
When I found Deb, she was a 7.
And now sHe's a 12.
I wanna be a 12.
You can't be Iazy. I don't wanna be azy.
Look at me. You cannot be azy.
I won't be azy.
Do you know How she got her body? How?
Bod es by Jason. Wow.
Say it. Bodies by Jason.
Say it again Bodies by Jason.
And now just say, ''Jason. ' Jason.
Again. Jason.
THat sounds rigHt, doesn t t?
YeaH.
WHat the fuck is Happen ng r ght now?
WHen was tHe ast time you two saw each other? I m curious.
ActualIy, we Had Iunch together ast week. Uh-huh.
And before tHat?
It's been about seven years.
Seven years? THat's a joke, rigHt?
That's I ke two OIympics.
But I'm tHe bad guy.
A I r gHt, Dad.
WHat Debb e doesn't understand s it's not bad to HeIp out a parent.
And it's certainIy not bad for a parent to HeIp out a cHi d.
I'm sure O iver wouId agree. WeII..
Are you reaI y doing this right now?
Am I doing wHat? I didn't start the toast.
Are you reaIly about to hit up my dad for money?
What? He does four operat ons a day.
It's perfect. It heIps everybody
and it reIieves His gu It from aI the abandonment issues.
You can't buy forgiveness. Right, Pete?
I don't tH nk anyone is Iooking for handouts. I mean, you know...
We'd pay Him back.
If you two are in a bind, I'd be more tHan Happy to He p.
No. It's not good to borrow money from famiIy members
because it causes resentment. Remember?
YeaH, yeah yeaH.
WHat do you want me to do? Okay. Admit tHat my life is sH t?
Is tHat wHat you want me to say? You Happy?
Aren t I a Iowed a ittIe joy witH tHese cHi dren I never wanted to have?
You Have never once stopped asking us for money.
FamiIy He ps fami y.
It's true FamiIy He ps fami y.
Look, I don t expect you to fulIy understand.
Your dad Ieft. You re broken inside.
It's not your fau t you can t fee Iove.
THere's sometHing tHat you can t. .
THis is coming out wrong.
You know what? I wou d rather have my dad tHan your dad.
Because He doesn't drive me crazy.
You know what's the best qua ity my fatHer Has?
Is he asks for notHing.
I don't know what tHe fuck He's think ng r ght now.
Look at tHat Nothing. NotHing.
I don't even know him.
And I turned out perfectIy f ne witHout his input, okay?
I just f gured out wHat your probIem is.
You Hate Jews.
Which is so odd because your ch Idren are Jewish.
Don t pIay tHe Jew card, Larry.
I m not pIaying any Jew card SeriousIy, it's used up
You can t use up a Jew card. That s the whoIe point of a Jew card.
THat s rigHt. You can't use it up, t goes forever.
You know wHat? I Have to go.
YeaH, great. WHat a big surprise.
Bye, OI ver. See you Iater. See you in anotHer seven years
Make sure and say goodbye to the grandkids wHo you met today
You know, notHing I do s r gHt because of you.
NotHing. No matter how hard I try, I'm just tHe assHo e Here.
But you know wHat? You know what I reaI zed?
It's you. You're tHe assHo e.
Good Iuck work ng that out.
Happy birtHday, and go fuck yourse f.
Hey see you wHen tHe Cubs win tHe pennant.
I'm gonna go Iight the candIes. Just get it go ng, okay?
Maybe we sHouId try the toast aga n. You know, can you be qu et?
You just tHrew me under the bus.
No, I don't... You tHrew me under tHe. .
You tHrew me under tHe bus.
We agreed to Iet go and forgive,
but tHen you started ripping into my dad I ke a crazy person.
I m not r pp ng nto your dad.
I'm just saying to him wHat you say to me.
PETE; Don't be such a ba I-buster.
I am not a baII-buster. You make me one.
I am a fun g rI. I am fun-Ioving.
I am a ''Good-Time SaIIy '' I dance Hip-Hop.
I cannot beIieve I Have wasted my whoIe ife
bust ng tHe baIIs of peopIe wHo have no ba Is
I'm tHe onIy one Here wHo has any baIIs!
(ALL SINGING)
God damn t.
Mom?
Mom? WHat are you doing?
What?
You re smok ng, and n tHe front yard?
No! No, tHey're Barb's.
Mom!
Since when have you been a smoker?
I m not a smoker.
I tHougHt you said smokers d e.
I m not smoking. I wasn't smoking.
I saw you.
DEBBIE: No, I wasn't.
Mom, you're smoking?
Deb, you can't smoke you re pregnant You ve been do ng so weII.
You re pregnant?
No effing way. I don't want another s ster.
I don't want Her as a sister.
I m sorry, I m so sorry. It just sI pped out
Are you pregnant? S nce when are you pregnant?
Since when do you care? You don't even want anotHer baby.
You Have no idea what I want.
I want an Asian baby.
We're not gonna Have an Asian baby.
CHARLOTTE Yes we are.
THey're not Asian. Sadie.
We'II buy one. SHut up, CHarlotte.
You sHut up. Shut up Sadie!
Shut up CharIotte! Shut up
Okay, Sadie, shut up. SHut up, CHar otte!
Shut up Okay, stop say ng ''shut up''!
You re pregnant? Since when are you pregnant?
When did you find out?
W II you stop eating cupcakes, p ease?
Stop eating cupcakes! Stop eating cupcakes!
Hey, we just heard You re Having a baby?
See it can happen to anybody.
THat s so wonderfuI.
Let me give you a Hug Fantastic, congratuIations.
CLAIRE: It's wonderfuI. I'm so Happy for you.
THis is too aduIt for you. Let's go outside
CongratuIations.
WeI I guess we're stuck together tHen forever then, rigHt?
Weren't we aIways?
You didn't even want a baby.
Of course I do. I never said tHat.
I didn't want one if I couId choose.
I sHouId put tHat on a HaIImark card. That's beaut fu
Debbie. .
Good Iuck with tHe pregnancy Debb e.
But p ease, take care of yourse f.
It's a mucH risk er pregnancy after 40.
I'm not 40. Of course you are.
You were born on December 5th, 1 972.
I m not 40. How do you know?
I was there. I'm the one who took your mother to tHe Hosp ta
WeI tHat s not what she said.
Your motHer was in Iabor for onIy about 20 minutes.
You couIdn t wait to meet me. Can you magine that?
I don't even know you.
You can't just come into my house and rem nisce.
Look, maybe we're just not meant to be n each other's I ves.
I'm not sure tH s was sucH a great idea.
Wait a minute. Hey wa t a minute!
You d d Ieave and you d dn't come back.
My first Iife was ruined. I d d my best witH my second.
So, I ruined your Iife? I was eigHt.
PeopIe do better wHen I stay out of their Iives!
THat's wHat my son telIs me.
You tHink my ife is so perfect?
I've got a 13-year-o d wHo's a potHead.
I've got a w fe wHo's keeping ZoIoft alive.
You never said tHat before.
You don't tHink I wanna taIk to you about this, to sHare it witH you?
It's just not ourway. We don't ta k to each other.
We don't know each otHer. And I thought that's tHe way you wanted it
How do I get out of this?
How do I get you aII to just HeIp me down off the cross?
You sound just I ke Sad e.
Who's Sad e?
No, your daugHter. Your younger?
THe b g one.
Your older. I know I know that. A wonderfuI g rI.
Hey, guys some of us need to eave.
WouId tHis be a good moment to sneak out?
Where s Dad going?
Best birtHday ever!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS) Oh shit
Bike Iane, asshoIe!
Fuck you, you TwlIight pimpIy-ass motHerfuckers!
Your dad's sti I Here.
DEBBIE; I know. It's kind of weird.
Where tHe heI is Pete?
Um...
Is it okay if Joseph Hangs out Here for a wHi e?
Mm-hmm.
Hi, JosepH.
H .
Do you want a piece of cake?
Oh Yeah, sure. THank you.
A I r gHt, tHen.
THey are so cute.
So cute.
He Iooks exactIy I ke Tom Petty.
(HONKING)
Go around.
Watch it, watch it!
Hey, Pete! Great party!
YeaH.
THe best!
And tHen we sHake t.
(CHUCKLES) And then a restaurant comes up.
Dad, excuse me. I'm gonna go Iook for Pete rigHt now.
Wou d you mind staying with the g rIs for just a I tt e b t?
WeII, if you want me to.
If you don't mind. You don't have to.
Sure.
Can I Iet Sadie sHow me tHe Iast episode of Lost?
She asked me if I'd seen it and I Haven't.
Yeah, that wou d be nice.
THank you. THank you.
She sa d we cou d watch t. Come on.
I'm gonna Iet you watch Lost. Come on.
(GIGGLING)
Is t scary?
I'II cover your eyes if it gets too scary.
Are you mad at me? Did I say sometHing?
Shh Larry, p ease.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Are you fucking kidding me?
You opened your door on me.
I didn't open my fucking door on you. I opened my door!
Aw, fuck. I was rigHt tHere!
You re supposed to Iook before you open your door!
I was in a fucking bike path!
THat's a bIind spot. There's no fucking bike patH.
It's a residentia section. Get your head out of your ass.
Pay attention!
Open your goddamn eyes. What are you do ng, sIeepwaIking?
You re supposed to look to see if a biker's coming tHrougH.
You re supposed to Iook!
It's not my job to ook out for you You Iook out for yourse f.
I don't Iook out for you. I don't see you.
I don't know where the fuck you are or wHat you're doing.
No one is ever Iooking out for me!
I need your name and your number.
Why?
Because you're gonna pay for my door.
PETE; Fuck you!
WHy don t you pay for my b ke and my face, you fucking pr ck?
(GASPS)
(GROANS) Don't disrespect me.
LARRY Are you sure that's him?
I don't tHink tHat's him.
(GROANS)
I gotta wr te down your license pIate.
''Range Rover of SunIand ''
What are you doing? Ow
I guess tHe party d dn't turn out Iike you pIanned.
It wasn t a good party.
Hi. Hi.
I Il br ng you in as soon as his X-rays are fin sHed.
Okay. Is he okay? Okay.
YeaH, He Has a broken rib and He's been cry ng a IittIe bit
But He' I be fine.
You know, Pete was never a reaI f gHter.
But tHat's wHy He married you. That's wHy he Ioves you.
Because you're tHe figHter.
And you need tHat.
One person in a reIationsHip Has got to puncH.
Do you mean tHat in a good way?
Oh, it's a h gh comp iment.
THanks.
Listen, I know wHat you're worr ed about.
You tH nk He's gonna turn into me,
but I don't tHink it's gonna happen.
He's smarter and probably a ittIe cuter.
A ittIe ess Jew-y.
A tHougH after 50, tHat's aII gonna change.
Be prepared to wake up one day with a rabbi.
But the good news is, you know,
He'II ove you forever.
THat's in our DNA.
We st ck around.
He worries about you, you know.
It puts a Iot of pressure on him.
I know, I just don t Have anyone eIse to ta k to about it.
Why don't you ta k to CIaire?
If I open up to Her, she' I Ieave me.
No, she won't.
Mmm. Larry, sHe oves you.
I know, but tHere's a certain point at wHicH you just can't stay.
(CHUCKLES)
I guess it's hard to forg ve somebody
if tHey don't formaIIy apo og ze to you.
Are you apoIogizing?
I m very cIose.
Yes, I m sorry.
I m g ad everybody's okay.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, thank you.
A I rigHt, I'm off.
Okay.
THis is awkward.
What?
I need $40 for a cab.
(LAUGHS) That s funny.
No, I m not kidding.
Oh, yeah.
You drove me, Honey. I wasn't prepared.
I know. I on y Have a hundred.
It's okay.
I I br ng you the change.
A I rigHt. Give h m a kiss for me.
(STAMMERS) I don t get t.
See it's not sad.
It's Happy, because they heIped each other achieve tHeir destiny.
Great. I'm gonna have some freaky-ass nightmares.
Hi. Hi.
(SIGHS)
I rea Iy iked our I fe so much better
before we tr ed to change everytHing.
I m sorry.
No I'm sorry I don't want to keep anytHing from you.
I Iove you you're my wife.
I just d dn't want to et you down.
Are you mad tHat I'm pregnant?
No. I'm not mad, I m thri Ied
You don't feeI trapped?
I sometimes fee I ke I trapped you.
I don't feeI trapped.
Rea Iy? No.
You shouId, because I have trapped you.
You can t go anywHere.
I'm gonna get you pregnant every 10 years for tHe rest of your Iife.
You can never eave me. Ever.
I never feeI trapped by you.
I'm so Happy to be with you and I ove you so mucH.
You re my favorite person n the whoIe worId.
God damn it, wHy am I crying I ke this?
Something s wrong witH me.
You re pregnant.
Oh, yeah.
Shit.
I was just outside te Iing your dad that I Iiked h m
WHat if He th nks I I ke h m now?
No, he won't think that.
I don't want Him to tH nk I I ke him that much.
No, t wilI never happen.
Can you be ieve t? THis is tHe craz est tH ng ever
WHat are we gonna do witH a tHird baby?
I Have no idea. How are we go ng to afford t?
We'II seI tHe House.
We don't Have to.
We kind of do. We kind of do.
We'II make new memories in a new house.
I Iove you.
Is tHere anytHing you want to do for your b rtHday?
It's been tHe worst birtHday ever.
THere is one tHing, but I don't tH nk you'I Iike it
What?
I wouIdn't mind go ng to see some music. WouId you want to do tHat?
YeaH.
Rea Iy? YeaH.
I don't be ieve you, but you're sweet for say ng tHat.
How do we break you out of Here?
I can just Ieave on my own voIition. It s not a mentaI nstitution.
Can you? Yes.
It's not Iike One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
PIease don't put a piIIow over my face.
(LAUGHING)
Let's get outta Here, McMurpHy.
You got it Chief.
W II you carry me?
You ve been carrying me aII this time.
(GROANS)
(SINGING ALT-COUNTRY SONG)
THanks.
I I ke this song.
ReaI y?
Why?
Why don't you s gn him?
Ryan Adams? No, he wou dn't sign with me.
WHy not? You're tHe best.
He is in between IabeIs.
Let's go try and taIk to him after the show.
(VOCALIZING)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
RYAN: Thank you.
I'm sorry if I'm not a I fancy pants and weaItHy
and sHowing it aII off witH my VidaI Sassoon haircuts.
Sorry.
Quit sIow-bIink ng at me.
I m sorry. Okay. .
I wouId Iike to rear up and jackknife my egs
and kick you botH in the fuck ng jaw witH my foot bone.
(LAUGHING)
THat's what I wouId fuck ng love.
I wisH my fucking foot wou d go right tHrough your skuII.
THis is wHat happens wHen you corner a rat.
I wilI fucking ki I you.
You corner me, I wi I fucking cHew tHrougH you.
I I chew tHrougH you!
SIow-bI nking eyes. I wi I chew off your fucking eyeIids.
You won t s ow-b ink at me, wi I you?
D d you dr nk before you came Here?
No, but I m gonna start drinking.
I'm gonna sIit somebody open like a fisH and dr nk their bIood.
THat's wHat I'm gonna dr nk
if we don't start getting to tHe fucking point Here.
ProbabIy I'm gonna start witH Karen Carpenter's Head.
I'm gonna rip Her Head off and I'm gonna dr nk Her bIood.
And tHen I'm gonna come back and ligHt you on fire.
I m gonna IigHt you alI on f re.
But I m gonna start w tH you, JilI.
I'm gonna fucking torcH you.
You know what I m gonna do? I m gonna go buy a fucking pickup truck.
And a cord of rope.
And I'm gonna string it around aII three of your fucking necks
and tHen drive around town, dragging you.
THat's wHat I'm gonna fuck ng do.
THat's compIeteIy uncaI ed for.
Rea Iy, JiII? Do you think it is?
Fuck off, JiII. God everybody fucking Hates you.
God!
THat isn't even nice.
Go suck a b g fucking dick, JiII.
JILL THat's totaI y unca Ied for, Catherine.
You re a fucking assHo e. Everybody Hates you.
THey Hate your fucking bob.
And I'm gIad your husband died.
Because you're a fuck ng asshoIe He probabIy kiIIed H mse f.
I would. KiII myse f.
God, I'd kiII myseIf, JiII.
MAN: Cut! (ALL LAUGHING)